Sunday, December 30, 2012

Melba Moore- Keeping My Lover Satisfied (1983)

My single friends often ask me the secret to a happy long-term relationship, and the advice is simple: sometimes, the most important thing is to keep your damn mouth shut.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Jeanette "Lady" Day- Come Let Me Love You (1981)

Sometimes I'm standing at the cashier, and they're having difficulty with ringing something through, and in my head, I'm wishing they would just let me back there to help them figure it out, but at the same time, I know in my heart I'd also try to rip off some till tape and the cashier's Chapstick and cigarettes, so I guess it's probably for the better that they keep me on the other side of the counter after all.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Aura- Checking You Out (1981)

If you're out on the town, and somebody keeps glancing in your direction, then you need to run to the bathroom and decipher if they were genuinely checking you out, or just mentally trying to remove some crud from your beard.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Conversion- Sweet Thing (1982)

Last night, I watched a dude, right in the middle of a UFC-fueled bro-down, request that his friends grab him a drink at the bar. He specified loudly his aversion to sweet drinks. Anything but sweet drinks. Too girly. He is heterosexual, thankyouverymuch. His friends returned with a glass of bourbon. A man drink, he says, while he downs the sickly sweet liquid. Near the end of the glass, he puts his arms around two of his friends. I love you guys so much, he whispered closely into one of their ears.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Rashawn- You're The One (1985)

The one sure thing in my entire life, the only sure thing in my entire life -past, present, and future- is repetitive, uninspired, and melodramatic Lohan arrests on the reg.

Monday, November 26, 2012

TFO- Friend Of Mine (1986)

In order to be a friend of mine, you need to have a great record collection, a love of fine dining and the 5-cent candy bins at 7-11, a beautiful smile, and an unusually high tolerance for bullshit.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Howard Johnson- Stand Up (1985)

I hate when I stand up after sitting with someone for a while, and they say something about how they didn't realize I was so tiny. It's like, do you not realize you've been speaking to the top of my head the entire time?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

May Day- It Makes Me Mad (1985)

Juvenile "comedy" magazines like 'Mad' and 'Cracked' take me much longer to read than their intellectual counterparts, mainly due to unusual time I spend discerning whether each advertisement is real, or just a terribly-done parody.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Time- 777-9311 (1982)

There used to be these parties that I went to every few months. They were in a basement of a Jamaican restaurant, and some of my favorite friends would DJ, and they were always the best time ever. That is, minus the fact that the tiny, hobbit-like bartender had a real thing for me. Now, people often mention a certain "Napoleon complex" that infects many guys of smaller stature, but what they don't often discuss is their aggressive tendencies when they meet a smaller lady. It's like they feel like it's their last chance at love or something.
Like it's genetically meant-to-be.
Point is, this dude was always very feisty when it came to trying to trick me into dating him. One evening, I thought I had evaded him entirely, when out of the shadows he rose, cell-phone in hand. "What's your digits?", he asked me, and I rattled off some fake number. He proceeded to dial it right in front of my face. "Nope", he said, "I know that's not your number". I was in a real bind, so I just gave him the next number I could think of: 777-9311. This time, he didn't even bother dialing. We stared in silence for a moment. "Ah", I said, "I see you are familiar with the works of Morris Day and The Time", and walked away.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Womack & Womack- Baby I'm Scared Of You (1983)

The thing about Halloween up in Canada is, it's tough for people to be scared of you when you are wearing a North Face jacket and have a terrible head cold.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Funkmasters- Have You Got The Time? (1984)

Be honest, have you got the time to wade through racks and racks of poorly sewn costumes this year? When seeking the answer for the perfect Halloween get-up, here's a hint that might save you a few precious minutes: the solution lies nowhere near morphsuit section.
A good costume is only pretend scary.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Klique- Inside Me (1983)

I don't know much about what lies beneath my skin, but I do know there's a bunch of pink stuff. You know, like guts, blood, and years and years of all of the Dubble Bubble I've swallowed.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Bunny DeBarge- Save The Best For Me (1986)

Though I have had some errors in judgement over the years, I can take true solace in the fact that I will never be crowned the queen of bad decisions as long as there are DeBarges left in the world.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fat Larry's Band- Don't Let It Go To Your Head (1983)

I silently praise myself every time I get a raise at work or get myself some RRSPs or do something else that makes me feel like a for-real adult, but I shouldn't let it go to my head; I'm the same girl that hoards boxes of Lucky Charms for Saturday morning so I can throw out all the cereal pieces and have a total marshmallow-and-cartoon party. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Sharon Redd- Love How You Feel (1983)

I tend to be a person that absorbs the feelings of others, like how I feel sad when I walk past a funeral, or the time on Boxing Day in eighth grade when I bought Mary J Blige's second album and spent a few weeks in a deep vicarious depression, wherein I was vicariously terrified that vicarious Jodeci was going to break up because of my vicarious drug problem.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Cashmere- Keep Me Up (1984)

My ultimate goal for my future, growing up, was to get myself to a financial point where I had an outdoor pool and somewhere warm enough to enjoy it. Also, to be able to surround myself in furs and cashmere and silk and buttery leathers. Everywhere.
Those who can afford the true softness of someone other creature's trimmings are far classier and better than the rest of us, obviously, and I'm over here, 30 years old and still in cotton like I just crawled out of a dumpster or something. I don't have "fur money". The only fur I ever owned was a small vintage collar made of rabbit, or perhaps squirrel, and it gave me a rash, shed fur like crazy, and disintegrated in a single evening. The last strip of the collar shed off into the slushy street and was run over by a taxi. "That", I said to myself, "is why rich people always seem so happy".

Monday, September 10, 2012

Oran "Juice" Jones- The Rain (1986)

I really could care less if there is pulp in my orange juice or not, but who was the asshole that decided that juice needed to be chunkier in the first place?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Glenn Jones- I'm Somebody (1983)

After a particularly terrifying episode of "Degrassi Junior High", the one where Wheels' parents die, I asked my folks who my godparents were. They looked at me like I was totally crazy, told me I didn't have godparents, and said not to worry because "if we died, somebody would probably take care of you"... The "somebody" and "probably" parts kept me awake at night right up until my eighteenth birthday.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Con Funk Shun- Burnin' Love (1986)

After years of working at a free clinic for teens, I feel like a broken record saying this, but for Con Funk Shun's sake, I'll repeat myself one more time:
"Love" is not supposed to burn, or itch, or sting. If you've made a regrettable decision on spring break or something, stop standing around and whining about it to your friends (or in this case, writing songs about it), get yourself to the doctor, and take care of business. Please. Before you spread your "burnin' love" to other folks.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Freda Payne- I Get High (On Your Memory) (1976)

When you are in the market for a purveyor of illegal substances, it can be tough to know who to ask. Use this handy guide for reference, and thank me later.
First of all, find someone who lives in a basement suite. Secondly, ask if they have a keen interest in exotic animals, particularly reptiles or rats. Then, take a good look at their pants- are they four sizes too small or too large? Congratulations. You've just found your guy.
It is 100% okay to ask to "try before you buy", and if you hear this exact song playing softly in the back of your brain, you, my friend, have got yourself some good shit.
Pat yourself on the back. You are now a consumer in one of the largest, and sketchiest, markets in the world.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Geoffrey Williams- Cinderella (1988)

I bet the worst thing about being Cinderella happens when the clock strikes twelve; your Double Stuf Oreos turn back into regular Oreos, your Coke Zero turns back into a Diet Coke, and Prince Charming turns back into your uncle's touchy-feely friend, 'Roy'.
I bet the best thing about being Cinderella is when the beautiful white horses in front of the carriage shrink down into little singing mice that wear cute raggedy vests and are surprisingly good tailors. Those tiny fellas are all kinds of valuable.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Private Joy- Coolin' Out (1982)

I try to cool out and relax, I really do, but the threat of Justin Bieber busting into my house and exposing my acne problem to the world looms over my head at all times. Trust me, I've seen that commercial a billion times, and the threat is very real.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Invisible Man's Band- All Night Thing (1979)

I often wonder, as I walk past a group of middle-aged women bending and straining and sweating in an outdoor fitness class in the park, if they realize that others can see actually see them. It's as if the loud guy running the group gave them all Gatorade mixed with Sprite (otherwise known as "Gatorite") and told them it would make them invisible to the public eye, so it's "totally cool" to wear spandex and get yelled at in a school field for a nominal fee, just in case you might lose a few pounds along the way.
I hate to break it to you, ladies, but you can never, ever trust a screaming guy in camo pants.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Tracy Weber- Sure Shot (Larry Levan Remix) (1981)

If there is one sure shot in the entire world, is is most certainly the remix catalogue of Mr. Larry Levan. In fact, the closest I will ever get to believing in a god is the unwavering belief I have in anything his golden fingers ever touched (except for, perhaps, the giant mountains of PCP, heroin, and sparkly twink assholes).

Monday, July 16, 2012

Maze ft Frankie Beverly - Before I Let Go (1980)

I often think that a good, wholesome summer activity would be to drive outside of the city and try to make my way through one of those corn mazes that they set up by the highway. I also know myself well enough to know that I would get frustrated with the whole thing about ten minutes in, and would end up throwing in the towel and just eating my way out.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Jets- Rocket 2 U (1988)

Rocket 2 U was easily one of my favorite songs as a kid, because I was pretty into space and rockets and stuff in elementary school... I would later come to realize the song could be roughly translated to something along the lines of "Don't expect me to ever fix your shit, but I'll fuck you sore whenever you want".

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Evelyn "Champagne" King- Out Of Control (1984)

Whenever I kick something on the ground, the same thing resounds in my head. "No baby birds no baby birds please no baby birds", because nine times out of ten, it is a goddamn baby bird.
I love the fact that we have enough clean air to support urban wildlife and all, but the dead baby bird situation in this city is truly out of control.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Shalamar- A Night to Remember (1982)

My partner works on a rotating schedule that often leaves me making my own dinner for weeks at a time, which means cheese and crackers (better known as 'chackers'), mixing diet sodas to create new, cancer-causing flavors, and, in one particularly regrettable instance, frog's legs from a sketchy Chinese Buffet. Now, truth be told, I could have been less adventurous and left the slimy legs steaming in the tray, as it appeared they had done for hours prior, but I'll tell you this much: you don't get a night to remember out of not eating the legs. Am I right, folks? Am I?

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Alvin Fields- Special Delivery (1981)

I love Japanese food and all, but I will not eat sunomono salad or cone sushi in a restaurant.
These are "delivery only" dishes. 
You see, I just can't figure out how to eat the cone sushi gracefully, and as the sunomono,  I have always been confused as to whether you are supposed to drink the sweet vinegar dressing, or leave it in the bowl.
To leave the broth in a bowl of soup would be rude, and would signal a distaste in the dish (which, I assure you, is quite the opposite when it comes to refreshing Japanese salads).
The waiter comes by, and always asks if I am finished, and, not wanting to look like an uncultured dick, I am unsure of how to reply. "Uhhhh, I don't know? You tell me?"

Friday, June 8, 2012

Gwen McCrae- Keep The Fire Burning (1982)

This year, I turn 31, which, I believe, is the exact year I start getting birthday cards with a picture of a cake burning down an entire building.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Leroy Burgess- Stranger (1983)

Although they were played in multi-national campaigns to millions and millions of children, I am certain that nobody was affected by the scare-tactic PSA ads of the eighties as much as I.
If you would have asked me, at a mere seven years old, where my life was headed, I would tell you about the almost-certainty of an electrical fire, in which I would be expected to save my entire family from our burning house, along with the fact that I would be absconded and raised by a creepy stranger with a giant moustache and a beat-up van full of candy, puppies, and drugs (which, on second thought, might not have been so bad after all).

Monday, May 28, 2012

Prime Time- I Owe It To Myself (1984)

Sometimes I'll get to the counter of the 7-11, and I've got two kinds of beef jerky, a cream soda, seven dollars' worth of penny candy, and the newest issue of XXL, and the guy at the counter will look at me sideways.
For the record, counter guy, I know I'm being excessive, but after taking the lead on damage control after one of the clients at work tried to pee in the drain instead of the toilet, and sitting in a two-hour long HR presentation about how we're all fucking up our time-sheets, I totally, totally, TOTALLY owe it to myself. Totally.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Clarity- The Way You Make Me Feel (1985)

I am a person that has very strong feelings. When I am happy, am I very, very happy. When I am sad, I am an upset mess. That being said, there are feelings in my life that I have yet to put my finger on, like when I run out of milk right as the pot of coffee finishes brewing, how I tend to rip all of my best clothes doing something stupid, when a small child grabs at my chest, or the most confusing feeling of all: the constant dreams of a shirtless, teary-eyed Phil Collins holding a boombox, Say Anything-style, outside of my bedroom window, blasting 'In Too Deep'. Strange, strange, strange.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Shirley Lites- Heat You Up, Melt You Down (1983)

I'm not sure if it's the heat, the copious amounts of cheap beer at weekly softball games, the fumes inhaled via open pickup truck windows, or too-tight/too-sweaty dirty white snapbacks, but there is something about summer that makes the dickweeds in my neighbourhood go from 'kinda deplorable' to 'absolutely intolerable'.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Glenn Jones- Finesse 1984

I used to use Finesse for all of my 80's budget haircare needs, but then Salon Selectives came on the market, and sometimes, you just can't fuck with softness.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Unlimited Touch- Searching (1981)

The other night, I watched a documentary of a biologist, searching for an up-close encounter with nature, that lived, for twelve months, with his biologist wife in a tent in the middle of this giant nature preserve in Idaho.  Although I'm sure this was a good year for spotting wolves, it would be a fucking terrible year for absolutely everything else in your whole life.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Ellie Hope- Lucky (1983)

There must be some sort of disconnect in the world regarding the meaning of "hard work". I can tell you, from personal experience, that hard work tends to amount to tense shoulders, semi-regular mini-mental breakdowns, and, typically, even more work.
Imagine my confusion when I hear a celebrity tell James Lipton that they attribute their success to "hard work", after spending the day getting their makeup done, and eating food that is prepared for them, and being paid millions and millions of dollars to put on their "pretty face" for the cameras.
Hard work? Naw, bitch. You've got it twisted...
What you got was lucky.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Cameo- Back & Forth (1987)

Tonight I ate some deep fried pickles, and I'm really quite back and forth on them...Although they are deep fried mother fucking pickles, the top of my mouth is now torn to painful shreds.

Monday, March 26, 2012

First Love- Give Me Your Love (1985)

Nature plays a cruel, cruel trick on us by making those first few attempts at love the most intense, hopeful, breathless versions that you will feel in your entire life, but coinciding them with braces, bad skin, puberty, and your "colored denim overalls" phase.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Geraldine Hunt- Can't Fake The Feeling (1980)

People say you should "fake it until you make it", but I think a better idea would be to "fake being sick, and go home and drink hot chocolate and read a magazine" instead.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Midnight Star- Midas Touch (1986)

I don't know, man. Having the "Midas Touch" would be a double-edged sword. On one hand, everything you touch turns to gold. On the other hand, say goodbye to your genitals.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Teena Marie- Must Be Magic (1981)

I took notes health class. I work in the medical profession. I am a woman of common sense.
I'll tell you, though: when somebody does that "detachable thumb" trick, I never like to discount the fact that the person might be magic and/or involved in some sorts of suburban witchcraft offshoot. Up until now, I have been 100% incorrect, but it still feels like a worthy suspicion.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Sylvia Striplin- You Can't Turn Me Away (1980)

I don't drink like I used to, but I do recall that it is a very humbling experience to be cut off at the bar. When you (the person that doesn't mind paying $8.00 for a cocktail), offers the bartender (the person that is hired to take your money and get you drunk) a bunch of money to get you drunk, and they turn you away?
Boy, it's time to go home.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

High Fashion- Feelin' Lucky Lately (1982)

I know my doctor told me to stay away from fried foods, but I'm feelin' lucky lately, like the skin of a million KFC thighs could not make my not-so-awesome cholesterol score any worse. Either that, or I'm in major, major, major denial.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Kwick- You're The Kind Of Girl That I Like (1981)

If I was into chicks, my perfect ladyfriend would be independent, strong-willed, and intelligent, with an extremely sizable posterior.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Purple Gang- Say It (1987)

If Prince started a street gang, initiation would be painful, glittery, and unbearably funky.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Wish- Nice and Soft (1981)

One of the finer pleasures in life, if I were to be really honest here, is to take my clean laundry, all nice and soft and warm from the dryer, and pile it into some form of nest and lay in it like a giant, weird, depressed bird.
FYI: fabric softener is optional, but adds greatly to the experience.

Monday, January 30, 2012

TC Curtis- Should Have Known Better (1985)

Man, I'm the one that should've known better... The generic "crescent rolls" are never going to be as buttery soft and delightful as the Pillsbury ones. What was I thinking?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sass- Much Too Much (1982)

Too much sass will lose you friends and get you slapped in the face.
On the contrary, just the right amount of sass will get you anywhere, baby.
It's true, you know.
I'm pretty sure that 84% of my lifetime successes have been due to sass, with the remaining 16% attributed to dispensing free medical advice, always having pot, and the fact that I can bake a cake that would make even the iciest of hearts melt into a pool on the ground.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sparkle- Handsome Man (Larry Levan Remix) (1979)

They say that a symmetrical, round face is considered the most handsome by nature...
On the very opposite end of that spectrum sits Jay Leno, all pointy and alone.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Womack & Womack- Teardrops (1988)

Linda Womack's jean jacket in this video is my #1 favorite jean jacket of all time.
I have spent 22 years coveting this particular jacket with no success in finding one of my own, and I basically live at the thrift store.
Tough break, kid, but like the movie 'Highlander': there can be only one.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Cherrelle- I Didn't Mean To Turn You On (1984)

I always thought the dude that took Cherelle out should give the girl a break.
She was probably just trying to score some free drinks, a cheeseburger, and maybe a discount pass to the amusement park.
Come on, guy. Don't get it twisted... She wasn't trying to turn you on.