Monday, August 27, 2012

Con Funk Shun- Burnin' Love (1986)

After years of working at a free clinic for teens, I feel like a broken record saying this, but for Con Funk Shun's sake, I'll repeat myself one more time:
"Love" is not supposed to burn, or itch, or sting. If you've made a regrettable decision on spring break or something, stop standing around and whining about it to your friends (or in this case, writing songs about it), get yourself to the doctor, and take care of business. Please. Before you spread your "burnin' love" to other folks.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Freda Payne- I Get High (On Your Memory) (1976)

When you are in the market for a purveyor of illegal substances, it can be tough to know who to ask. Use this handy guide for reference, and thank me later.
First of all, find someone who lives in a basement suite. Secondly, ask if they have a keen interest in exotic animals, particularly reptiles or rats. Then, take a good look at their pants- are they four sizes too small or too large? Congratulations. You've just found your guy.
It is 100% okay to ask to "try before you buy", and if you hear this exact song playing softly in the back of your brain, you, my friend, have got yourself some good shit.
Pat yourself on the back. You are now a consumer in one of the largest, and sketchiest, markets in the world.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Geoffrey Williams- Cinderella (1988)

I bet the worst thing about being Cinderella happens when the clock strikes twelve; your Double Stuf Oreos turn back into regular Oreos, your Coke Zero turns back into a Diet Coke, and Prince Charming turns back into your uncle's touchy-feely friend, 'Roy'.
I bet the best thing about being Cinderella is when the beautiful white horses in front of the carriage shrink down into little singing mice that wear cute raggedy vests and are surprisingly good tailors. Those tiny fellas are all kinds of valuable.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Private Joy- Coolin' Out (1982)

I try to cool out and relax, I really do, but the threat of Justin Bieber busting into my house and exposing my acne problem to the world looms over my head at all times. Trust me, I've seen that commercial a billion times, and the threat is very real.