Monday, August 29, 2011

Sylvester- I Need You (1979)

You know, I used to watch a lot of Loony Tunes, and I have always felt kind-of bad for Sylvester. First of all, that Tweety has some powerful friends. How does a little annoying yellow bird trick a giant, burly, muscular bulldog into being his bodyguard? He must have Jerky Treats or Snausages or something hidden in his cage.
Secondly, why has nobody mentioned to that senile old lady that owns Sylvester that cat food is like 39 cents a can at the store? The old bag must keep forgetting to feed him, or he wouldn't continuously putting his life on the line for a chewy, sinewy (possibly homosexual?) old canary.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Love Club- Hot Summer Nights (1983)

I really don't know much about these supposed "love clubs". You guys know what I'm talking about: the kind that you are 94% positive that your creepy Scandinavian neighbours are attending when they leave the kids with a sitter on the weekends (you can almost see the outline of a leather harness under their clothing, as well as several strains of Syphilis).
I guess these establishments might be alright in the winter, with saggy bodies rubbing against each other for warmth, but take a bunch of naked strangers, and add a hot, muggy summer night, and you've got yourself a contained room of swamp-ass.
Ugh... Remind me to never decide to try and "spice things up" when I get older.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Imagination- Music and Lights (1982)

When I finally succumb to the temptation to test out that "antifreeze tastes like Kool-Aid" theory, and it's time for me to float up into that magical fortress the sky, I would imagine there would be lights, and music, and a dude with cheeseburgers, and free slurpees, and, hey, why are you poking me in the ass with a red-hot pitchfork? Stop that, now. This is my moment. You're spilling my Slurpee.