Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Fantastic Aleems ft Leery Burgess- Get Down Friday Night (1982) & Oliver Cheatham- Get Down Saturday Night (1983)

I would have to believe that Oliver Cheatham's writing process for this particular track was very similar to the time that I got some really good weed, and thought I had composed the world's most fantastic song all by myself, until I realized I had just penned 'Funkytown', save for two or three spare notes, and mildly different words.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Change ft. Luther Vandross- Glow of Love (1980)

The radiance one exudes when newly in love can be attributed, mainly, to a combination of hopefulness, hormones, movie theater popcorn, and silicone-based lubricant.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

James Ingram & Michael McDonald- Yah Mo B There (1983)

I don't know why, but I'm having the strangest deja vu that Michael McDonald and/or James Ingram have tried to trick me into Christianity in the past. I don't remember if they were going door-to-door, or handing out free Jesus fish bumper stickers at the mall, or just praised the Lord's name in an interview, but I know they've tried to get sneaky with me at some point...
Nice try, guys. I like my Sundays open, and plenty of filthy language and low-cut blouses.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Morris Day- Color Of Success (1985)

People often say that the color of success is green, but I think the true color of success is gold. Studded with sapphires. In the shape of a panther. On a large chain. Around my neck.

Friday, November 25, 2011

GQ- I Love (The Skin You're In) (1981)

Don't worry so much about your face, ladies. In all reality, the only men that care about the condition of a lady's skin are catty homosexuals and that Silence of The Lambs dude with the well in his basement.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Stephanie Mills- You're Puttin' A Rush On Me (1987)

Sometimes, just for fun, I'll put a package on rush pickup at work, because I'm convinced the only thing that differentiates it from a regular pickup is the speed in which the courier runs from his van into the building.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Fat Larry's Band- Changes (1983)

Fat Larry was pretty cool with his nickname out in the public eye, but among friends, he preferred to be called "Glandular Problem Larry".

Monday, November 7, 2011

Pleasure- Give It Up (1982)

The older I get, the more I see dudes hanging on to the very last bit of their youthful head of hair. These guys use creative configuring to try to hide the fact that they, too, are part of the natural aging process. When a guy whips off his sweaty toque in the middle of summer and finger-combs his stringy, thinning strands into some sort of hair-hat on top of his head, it's like, give it up, dude... Time to rock the Costanza.

Friday, November 4, 2011

The Cool Notes - In Your Car (1985)

Not only is this song about people having sex in a car, I'm pretty sure that this video is the exact replica of the first (and only) time I ever did whippits.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Aleem ft Leroy Burgess- Love Shock (1987)

As a space-saving measure in my tiny childhood home, my parents placed the Apple IIE in my room. I, for some reason, took great honor with this. One afternoon, I decided to play a relaxing after school game of Oregon Trail. However, like all computers on the planet, this machine was prone to technical difficulties, which lead me to crawl under the desk to unplug it. Those 80's public service announcements were, unfortunately, true: children should not play with electricity. My tiny, eight-year-old hands received the shock of a lifetime, and as I was laying on the floor trying to regain some sort of consciousness, the only thought I could muster together was "I guess this means no more Apple IIE".

Monday, October 24, 2011

Johnny Kemp- Just Another Lover (1986)

I guess I am just another lover, really... That is, until the end when I offer you a post-coital cigarette in the bubble gum, chocolate, or chalky white candy variety. Take your pick.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Matakena- Nuts On Me (1983)

This song is basically the best way to describe my entire college experience... Kidding, kidding (but only kind-of).
Pssssttttt. The joke, you see, is that I sort-of, might've slept around in college. Get it? Nuts?
Ugh... I am so sorry about this crap.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Slave- Shine (1988)

The thought of having a S&M-style slave to follow me around is very intriguing to me. Here's what you do: you get a guy that really wants to please you, and walk around while he is strapped to a leather leash and he hangs on your every word and does whatever you ask of him...
I guess it sounds pretty exciting and all, but it's probably just easier to get a regular (non-S&M) dog. Same diff.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Switch- Treason (1984)

When I was in the second grade, I took home the class pet, a baby duck, for a long weekend. The plan was to keep the duck at the house until lunchtime on Tuesday, when the teacher would come and pick up the duck from our house. The duck and I had a magical weekend. Best friends til' the end. However, on Tuesday, my mom picked me up early for lunch and had a bottle of flavored seltzer water in her hands. I knew something was wrong. As I sipped my kiwi-mango soda, I was told that my little duck friend had not made it through the morning, and that his little body would have to be thrown into the trash. I was heartbroken and devastated, until my mom told me that she would get our garbage man to cremate the duck and give him a tiny duck funeral. This felt respectful and satisfying to my sad little soul.
...I didn't know it at the time, but this incident was a prime example of stone-cold treason, and god help my mom if I ever find a good lawyer.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Gap Band- Big Fun (1986)

Regular-sized fun involves good friends and dancing and joy and laughter. BIG fun usually involves people that you shouldn't be friends with, will probably get a little scary at some points, and might land you a night in the slammer. Be aware of the difference, or risk spending the rest of your night pinned under an obese cellmate with a lot of crafty ideas about what else 'big fun' may involve.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sister Sledge- You Fooled Around (1980)

In my single days, there was never a chance of me falling in love with someone I had fooled around with, because I was too busy in a paranoid-fueled rage of drugstore pregnancy tests and getting blood drawn at the free clinic, as well as plenty of shame and regret... Fool, indeed.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A Taste of Honey- Rescue Me (1986)

I don't think that getting shipwrecked on an island would be very much fun, but, no matter how emaciated and dehydrated I may be, the thought of never having to yank weeds from the lawn, or work overtime, or pay off credit cards, or scrub the bathtub ever again would be enough for me to wave the rescue planes away. Just leave me here, dudes. I'm good. I'm relaxing to death.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Wish ft Fonda Rae- Touch Me (All Night Long) (1983)

True fact: touching (or being touched) all night long can lead to chafing, tenderness, and redness... Most young gentlemen have to learn that one the hard way.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Sylvester- I Need You (1979)

You know, I used to watch a lot of Loony Tunes, and I have always felt kind-of bad for Sylvester. First of all, that Tweety has some powerful friends. How does a little annoying yellow bird trick a giant, burly, muscular bulldog into being his bodyguard? He must have Jerky Treats or Snausages or something hidden in his cage.
Secondly, why has nobody mentioned to that senile old lady that owns Sylvester that cat food is like 39 cents a can at the store? The old bag must keep forgetting to feed him, or he wouldn't continuously putting his life on the line for a chewy, sinewy (possibly homosexual?) old canary.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Love Club- Hot Summer Nights (1983)

I really don't know much about these supposed "love clubs". You guys know what I'm talking about: the kind that you are 94% positive that your creepy Scandinavian neighbours are attending when they leave the kids with a sitter on the weekends (you can almost see the outline of a leather harness under their clothing, as well as several strains of Syphilis).
I guess these establishments might be alright in the winter, with saggy bodies rubbing against each other for warmth, but take a bunch of naked strangers, and add a hot, muggy summer night, and you've got yourself a contained room of swamp-ass.
Ugh... Remind me to never decide to try and "spice things up" when I get older.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Imagination- Music and Lights (1982)

When I finally succumb to the temptation to test out that "antifreeze tastes like Kool-Aid" theory, and it's time for me to float up into that magical fortress the sky, I would imagine there would be lights, and music, and a dude with cheeseburgers, and free slurpees, and, hey, why are you poking me in the ass with a red-hot pitchfork? Stop that, now. This is my moment. You're spilling my Slurpee.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Sharon Redd- Never Give You Up (1982)

Although the words are not often spoken out loud, it is common knowledge that the term "never give you up" is almost always preceded by "unless something better comes along in the meanwhile".
Never say never, fool.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Bar Kays- Nightcruising (1980)

I wonder how I would behave on a cruise ship. Like, I know I would wear a lot of pastel colors, eat buffet for every meal, and play shuffleboard and shit, but I have a strong feeling that I would act somehow differently without the prolonged presence of dry ground. Wobblier than normal, I guess.
Something tells me my sound judgement would be at risk as well, with all of those fancy cocktails floating around. I'm not made of stone over here.
I hope I get to go on a cruise sometime. I mean, I'd be totally annoyed by about the fourth hour on the ship, but I imagine those first three hours would be pretty damn relaxing.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Midnight Star- Engine No. 9 (1986)

If you are looking for an alternative to taking a Greyhound bus, why not consider railway travel? It is much cleaner, the staff are significantly less surly (and, on average, have at least ten more teeth than you average Greyhound attendant), and your chances of being decapitated in a psychotic murderous rage go down by a whopping 900%!

Wendy Peddie- Gonna Get Over You (1988)

Just when I think that I'm finally gonna get over the McRib sandwich, just when I think I've got the last little bit of "pork" and tangy "BBQ" sauce cleared out of my arteries, summer comes around and, uh-oh, total McRib party again.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Curiosity- The Jets (1985)

On Friday after work, I followed a trail of blood on the sidewalk for about half a block. Little drips of blood, one in a row. At the end of the trail was a gallon jug of 'Muscle Pharm'-brand protein powder, and an open tube of KY Jelly. I tried to forget about it over the weekend, but it's Monday, and my curiosity still has the best of me. I still have so many questions. Nameley, where is this supposed 'Muscle Pharm'? Do they have sheep with really ripped abs, and chickens that could claw your face off?
Also, why is bodybuilding so popular? Bunch'a oily dudes drinking powdered shakes and posing in front of non-oily dudes, and apparently, the lube and blood fit in there somewhere too.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Crusaders- Street Life (1979)

Although I firmly believe that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, I do not feel that I am cut out for the street life. Day in and day out, while at work, I observe street people in their natural environment, and I have been able to discern that there are two main reasons for my hesitance on this matter: (1) my monthly eyeliner budget, and (2) I would be apt to complain at the soup kitchens that "soup is not exactly a meal". Also, the rats.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Gary Brown & The GB Experience- The Crown (1983)

You know, I bet it's tough for extraterrestrials, while looking down to planet earth with their giant alien telescopes, to watch all of the chicks at bachelorette parties wearing crowns made of little fake plastic dicks and guys wearing woolen toques with tank tops on the hottest days of summer, and still believe that we are the ones worried about being invaded by them.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Shalamar- Games (1987)

I guess the kind of games I like the most are the ones that make me look smart (Scrabble Junior), ones that sound delicious (Candyland), and ones that win me small amounts of pocket change (slot machines). The games I enjoy the least are ones that point out my irresponsibility with finances (Monopoly), ones that surround you with old people (Bingo), and every other game beyond Scrabble Junior, Candyland, and slot machines.
You know what? Scratch that. Did you guys ever play Mall Madness? That game is pretty fun, too.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Pleasure- Give It Up (1982)

When I was very young, I was sure that there was a tiny old man in the traffic lights, and if you hit the button a few extra times, you could trick him into changing the walk-sign a bit quicker. Nowadays, I am fully aware that these lights are run on timers and computers by the city. That's why I always feel a little sorry when I see someone standing at a crosswalk reaming away on the button... It's like, give it up, man; that little old dude retired way back in the 80's.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Taana Gardner- No Frills (Larry Levan Club Mix) (1981)

I am 100% certain that the 30% you save whilst shopping in those big-box, no-frills type grocery stores is made up for by a 70% increase in rat piss in the products you buy. An informed shopper is always a savvy shopper.

Monday, May 16, 2011

DeBarge- Can't Stop (1982)

100% of my childhood romantic fantasies involved El DeBarge standing outside of my bedroom window blaring 'All This Love' on a boombox held above his head, 'Say Anything'-style. What I didn't factor in was the part where he brings along several bags of crack and a prostitute, and wants to crash on the couch for a "few days".

Monday, May 9, 2011

Spence- Get It On (1983)

Parents will name their new son 'Spencer' in the hopes that he will become a successful, well-liked businessman. What they don't bank on is the true fact that, whether in it's pure form or shortened to 'Spence', the name 'Spencer' almost always leads to a fate of becoming an annoying (typically ginger) pompous asshole of a man. It's inevitable. Do your kids a favor and stick with the classics, such as 'Michael', 'Randy', or 'Tito' to ensure future prosperity.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Milton Smith and Stimulus- I Wanna Get Next To You (1985)

If you see me sidling up next to a stranger, you can be sure it's for one of two reasons:
(1) I'm trying to decipher the stains their sweatpants, or (2) I'm checking to see if they're shorter than me.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Shock- Got To Have Your Love (1981)

They say that the modern world has become a pretty unfazable place. However, I there's probably still a good amount of shock value, both morally and hygienically, in the average basement apartment of the lonely tech guy at work.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Midnight Star- Night Rider (1984)

At first glance, it would seem that owning a talking car like KITT from Knight Rider would be a dream come true. However, at some point he would probably start getting really preachy about global warming, or join the Pentecostal church, or start practising his stand-up comedy act in gridlocked rush hour traffic, and you'd find yourself staring at the Toyota Yaris commercial and thinking: "A car with incredible gas mileage that also knows how to keep his loud-mouthed opinions to himself? Now that's a dream come true".

Monday, April 11, 2011

Evelyn 'Champagne' King- Talking In My Sleep (1984)

I think that when someone starts to talk in their sleep, you are allowed to ask them the things you really want to know, like which Wayans brother is really their favorite, how many times they've lied about their age to get into teen night at the wave pool, and where they have left their unattended wallet.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Shannon- Do You Want To Get Away (1985)

Hell yeah I want to get away, ideally to somewhere where people understand the true social faux pas of Charlie Sheen jokes.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Colors- Pay Me Back My Love (1986)

It's inevitable: when a relationship ends, somebody has to get the short end of the stick. It's common to feel as if someone "owes" you for inflicting long-term emotional damages. However, it is near to impossible to pay someone back in love, and very tough to assign a monetary value to the end of a long-term partnership (just ask your average divorce lawyer!).
To properly handle the situation, the dumper should be forced to buy several therapy sessions, as well as a month's worth of Ativan, to the dumpee on the eve of the breakup. It is my understanding that all further grievances should be rectified using the "ass, grass, or gas" payment structure.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Timex Social Club- Rumors (1986) & Club Nouveau- Jealousy (1986)

Are my ears correct? Did Club Nouveau really write a diss song about Timex Social Club? This is not South Central LA in the early 90's... What did you guys have to fight about?
Was somebody bogarting the Soul-Glo? Did someone play the whole "shake a can of soda and hand it to your thirsty friend" joke? Did someone make fun of your Coogi sweater?
Come on, fellas... We're all fruity 80's R&B one-hit-wonders here, can't we all just get along?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Magic Eye- Don't Panic (1988)

Don't panic? Don't panic?
Uhhh... Directly across the ocean from us, a country, arguably the most industrious and technologically advanced in the world, just collapsed into itself, and is brewing several massive nuclear meltdowns at this very moment. How long until Godzilla gets involved in all of this?
I currently reserve the right to be a little unnerved.
Pffft. Don't panic.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Princess- Say I'm Your Number One (1985)

Princess uses this video as a means to send a giant "fuck you" to those of us that think that crop-tops and old-timey bowler hats should never mix, and throws on a pair of wacky earrings to really drive the point home. Number one, alright.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Leon Bryant - I'm Going To Put A Spell On You (1984)

If I was given the rare opportunity to learn a magical spell, I think I would choose one that makes people shut their damn mouths.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Jakki- Got Me Burnin Up (1982)

Nothing sadder than a saggy cartoon Latino ice cream salesman that appears to be having a bad day... Stay in school, kids.
(Or at least try to smile when you hand me my popsicle, okay? You're bumming me out over here.)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Bar Kays- Trippin' Out (1982)

I strongly feel that, at a very early age, children should be forced to make a very difficult decision: the ability to invent and create, or the ability to take psychedelics. Not both.
I'm sure I could've lived through Jefferson Airplane and hippie paintings. I could hang with Rainbow Bright, and Fruity Marshmallow Krispies were a colorful way to start my day. I could even handle motherfucking Zubaz pants in small doses, but then came hackey sacks and now there's assholes with ponytails flipping around some acid head's dream of a "magic ball" around his arms like it's no big thing (I saw it on an infomercial!).
Enough is enough. Before it goes too far. Please, people.
One or the other.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Hotline- Ready or Not (1984)

I will tell you: we, as a society, have come so far technologically that it's almost cute to think of people using desktop calculators or dialing a hotline for their pornography needs.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Kenny Smith- Witness (1980)

After a particularly bad cold and flu season a few years ago, wherein I had watched The Sopranos series in it's entirety, I swear I will never, ever say a damn thing if I witness a crime...
Can't write sassytunes from the bottom of the Bow River with an ice pick through my skull.
No siree.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Yarbrough & Peoples- Don't Stop The Music (1980)

There's always this point in the night- somewhere between 2:15 and 3:00, depending on where you go- where the music starts to get really amazing again, and the legal drinks stop flowing and the strange free-handout drinks appear in your palm (usually import beer from one of the "sketchy countries"), and you stay on the dance floor in fear of the last few notes playing over the speakers. Then the lights come up and there's puke and blood on the floor, a bunch of broken glass, the air reeks of cheap tequila and red bull, and your blistered feet stick on the ground as you walk. This is a feeling universally known as "time to go home".

Monday, January 17, 2011

Melba Moore- Mind Up Tonight (1982)

Yo, I love a piece of Melba toast as much as the next guy, but you know that shit is just old bread, right?

Sheila E- The Glamorous Life (1985)

It took me a long time to realize that the true "glamour" of Sheila E had less and less to do with glitter headbands and unapologetic spandex and more and more to do with banging Prince.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Prestige- Cheating (1983)

I'll admit, it would be horrible to have a cheating boyfriend, but at least I'd finally get the chance to ask Joey Greco what brand of hair gel he has been using all these years.

Prince- Lady Cab Driver (1982)

For all of the cabs I've ever hopped into, I've never had a female cab driver, but I'm willing to bet there would be a bare minimum 150% improvement on the smell.