Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Delagation- I Wantcha' Back (1981)

What I really 'wantcha' to do is find some common decency and faith in today's crazy world, and also to find a way to bring back Marshmallow Krispies and Crystal Pepsi.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Gwen Guthrie- Hopscotch (Larry Levan Mix) (1983)

I think would enjoy playing hopscotch a lot more if there was actual scotch involved in the game. Sure, those little glass snifters would break all over the cement, and there'd be a ton of wasted eight-year-olds on the playground, but you try competing with all of the video games and fancy-boy vampire movies that kids are into nowadays. A little liquor would catapult hopscotch back into 1930's popularity- it's a sure bet!

Stinger J- Pretty Face (1987)

A pretty face can get you out of pretty much anything in this world, except for maybe quicksand.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Vaughan Mason & Butch Dayo- Party On The Corner (1983)

Ooooh, man. What if they had a party on my corner? The dirty Italian thugs from the illegal chop shop down the street would be serving some type of grain alcohol to everyone, my autistic next-door neighbour would be screaming and kicking along with the music, and the lesbians down the way would be drinking dark beer and keeping everyone's lawns in check during the festivities. In other words, it would be the worst party of all time.

Laurice Hudson- Feel My Love (1982)

Usually, if someone is asking me if I can "feel their love", I am in the middle of trying to push them off of my leg, mid-dry hump, on the dance floor at 3AM.... To be honest, that's the only time I ever really hear that phrase.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ca$hflow- I Need Your Love (1986)

Some alternate first lines for this song:
It's only nice out in this city when I'm at work all day, and then I spill pee on my shoe on the same day: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
I would like to take a ride in a convertible, but I don't want to have to sit next to a total dick for an hour: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
Ice Cream Truck slows up in front of the house, then takes off when I run out the door waving money: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
I get the day off of work, and channel 38 is playing a stupid parade instead of three episodes of Maury: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
Theatre is out of Junior Mints, and tries to talk me into Twizzlers instead: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
Parents make fun of me for wearing 'hammer pants' to a family BBQ: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that, mom.

Alphonso Ribeiro- Dance Baby (1983)

People always rip on Alphonso Ribeiro (because nobody wants to side with Carleton instead of Will), but they forget that he danced with Michael Jackson in that amazing Pepsi commercial, he knows how to tie a sweater in a proper knot, and he had his own instructional break dance video. Also, ask yourselves this: if he goes away forever, then who is going to play the lame black guy on every show in the world?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Apollonia 6- Sex Shooter (1984)

I'm not trying to be prudish or anything, but there's no way in hell that I want to be in front of this so-called "sex shooter" when it goes off. Sounds unsanitary and messy.

Side note- Purple. Fucking. Rain. Am I right, folks?

Ulysses82- Don't Speak French (2009)

A french accent loses it's romanticism and sophistication when it is used in front of me at 7-11 to argue about the price of pepperoni sticks with the clerk.

Friday, August 6, 2010

La Toya Jackson- Think Twice (1984)

Sometimes, I kind-of feel bad for Latoya Jackson. You know, with all of the family scandals, the negative press, the sliding career, and the fact that she's only fourth-craziest in her family.

Sybil Thomas- Rescue Me (1983)

If someone really wanted to "rescue me", they would keep an eye on the goddamn milk in my fridge for me (before it's floating, in chunks, on top of my coffee).

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Freeez- I.O.U. (1983)

I would say that, all in all, my life is pretty much perfect, beyond the fact that I have yet to figure out the semantics of the "all freeze pop" diet.
So far, my biggest hurdle has been constant blue tongue. Also, the constant bouts of scurvy (and sticking to strictly citrus flavors is, unfortunately, not helping as much as I would have hoped).

Steve Harvey- Tonight (1983)

There are two types of Steve Harveys in the world: The type of Steve Harvey that releases a few great funk tracks in the early 80's, and the type of Steve Harvey that has the number one collection of bright, ill-fitting suits, and just won't quit with the terrible jokes.