Friday, December 12, 2014

Brian Loren- Easier Said Than Done (1984)

There are new statistics that say that 53% of Vegetarians go back to eating meat within a year. Really, giving up meat is easier said than done. It's a back-and-forth cycle I know all too well- one where I bounce between being pushed away after finding a hard thing in my sausage or a gross veiny piece of chicken, and being lured back in with a particularly sexy steak. It's always a bit of a fall from grace when you go back to eating the flesh of another living being, but another unpublished statistic is that non-vegetarians are 53% less smug.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Freddy James- Don't Turn Your Back On Love (1982)

The term "sheeple" has been #trending lately, and the irony, as well as the general stupidity of the term, just kind-of makes me want to finally turn my back on humanity forever.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Song Twins: Odyssey- Who (1974) & Demis Roussos- I Dig You (1977)

I often think that disco got so convoluted, what with the angel dust flowing through the air and all of the sequins and glitter blinding everyone, that beats and songs were often re-used without anybody really noticing or giving a fuck.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Sister Sledge - Ooh, You Caught My Heart (1981)

Getting caught by my ultra-Christian, ultra-lame neighbors for smoking weed, and having them bitch me out in a disappointed tone for 45 minutes made me so thankful my dad was way too stoned to actually parent... Love you, Dad!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Cheryl Lynn- Shake It Up (1981)

It's no wonder that non-Western culture shakes their collective heads at us sometimes. While some of these countries are just trying to keep their population from dropping dead in the streets from starvation, we're over here encouraging our children to take an evening, put on a $40 plastic smock and mask, and go utter loaded threats at the neighbors to give them free candy or risk getting an entire carton of eggs whipped at their front door.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Kashif- Stone Love (1983)

You know what they say: he who cast the first stone, is actually a total dick.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Radiance- All Night (1985)

I don't pull all-nighters like I used to. In fact, when I even attempt to stay out past 4AM, I end up in a sad, old pile of disappointment, menthols with two drags out of them, early morning Mcmuffin wrappers, and tiny bits of regret over lost sleep and all the very explicit dreams I would've, could've had.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Patrice Rushen- I Was Tired Of Being Alone (1982)

Living alone is super great, but there's unfortunately there to stop you from thinking that clothes aren't a necessary part of browning ground beef.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Skyy- Let's Celebrate (1981)

Most people celebrate Autumn. They love the pumpkin spice and the cable knits and the holidays and the gold and crimson leaves that crinkle under their feet. Not me, though. To me, fall signifies a time where I grit my teeth and take that first step on the long and nasty-ass road to Summer 2015.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Starpoint- I'm So Crazy 'Bout You (1983)

Man, I really miss the good old days, when you didn't have to question whether or not a person muttering to themselves in the street is straight-up crazy, or just wearing a bluetooth.

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Pointer Sisters- Dare Me (1985)

I often feel like going out for Korean food is like a really squirm-inducing elementary-school game of "I Dare You", but you pay money  for it. I used to think that the concerned looks from Korean families as I sat down at a table had something to do with the fact that I was the only non-Korean in the room, but now I'm starting to realize that it has everything to do with the fact that, at some point, they're going to try to serve you something that still has a heartbeat.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Mac Thornhill- Make A Life Worth Living (1983)

You know, it's really the simple things that make life worth living. You know, like double rainbows after a particularly aggressive storm, full-body hugs, when your boyfriend grabs your ass in public, and the fact that somebody thought to dunk a croissant into donut glaze with reckless abandon for the obesity epidemic.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Level 42- Turn It On (1981)

My turn-ons include: an impeccable sense of urban style, a base of musical knowledge that rivals my own, a genuine respect for women, and a means to pay your own damn bills. Turn-offs are liars, cheaters, guys who are a little too enamored with the outdoors, and there is officially nothing less sexy than dudes that carry re-usable shopping bags to and from the grocery store.

p.s. If there is anything better in this world than Brit-funk on a rainy day off, I have yet to find it, y'all. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Angela Bofill- Crazy For Him (1983)

I have come to the conclusion that, in order to live downtown here, you must be very, very rich, or very, very mentally ill. I just checked, and according to my last bank statements, I am certainly not of the former variety.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Sister Sledge- Thinking Of You (1984)

If the original purpose of wearing crimson lipstick was to mimic arousal and make dudes subconsciously think of having sex with you, then what the fuck does it mean when bitches paint their toenails red?

Monday, July 28, 2014

Tuxedo- So Good (2013)

Living in the middle of downtown, right beside a private club, I see a lot of tipsy formally-dressed couples fighting about where they may have left the car, and none more adorable than a very flamboyant male/male partnership I recently observed. They followed my path for about half a block, and instead of the usual "just shut up and help me search", and general passive aggressiveness, there was a lot more "bitch, please", and sassy comments about the fit of each other's tuxedos. I realized, in that moment, that hetero couples have an awful lot to learn about fighting.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Patrice Rushen- Remind Me (1982)

When times get tough in the summer, I just remind myself that I've got a sixer of popsicles in the freezer calling my name and I don't have to wear pants for three months straight, and my stress just melts right away.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Lillo Thomas- (You're A) Good Girl (1983)

Ten days of plentiful shitty beer and debauchery all over the city. For those of you who are unaware, the Calgary Stampede is a time when the average businessman's job is to slam shots of jack between barmaids' hooters, dudes let their "little cowboy" hang a little too fast and loose out of ill-fitting Wranglers, and many local ladies adopt a "good girl gone bad" attitude, which is really just code word for "good girl that has had too many cocktails to remember the meanings of no and regret".

Monday, July 7, 2014

High Fashion- Show Me (1983)

It's Stampede time. They call it " The Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth", which I hold beef with, because I've seen De La Soul perform outside, and that was infinitely better.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Larry Wu- Let Me Show You (1984)

I don't know why it feels so important to buy a t-shirt at rap shows. I guess I have to be ready in case someday Method Man shows up at my house and makes me prove my fandom by way of an ill-fitting 50/50 poly-cotton garment with a Wu-Tang logo that I bought in the back of a bar. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Junior- Not Tonight (1985)

My neighbour heard me rapping, and now has some questions about it, so I've been actively dodging him. We've been in this strange song and dance for a few weeks, and every time he asks if I want to come over for a beer, I just make some excuse about why tonight's not good. Little does he know, through the walls, I have heard far too much about his fantasy football league, and I have a few questions of my own that I'm trying to avoid. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Aretha Franklin- Get It Right (1983)

The five-legged spider in my bathtub stared back at me. As the wad of anti-bacterial Kleenex squeezed the last of life out of his spindly body, I wondered why it took, obviously, four full human attempts to get it right. We are failing miserably in the fight against arachnids, people.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Cat Miller- Ready Or Not (1984)

When a boy says he likes it when girls don't wear too much makeup, what he really means is that he wants you to look hot when you wake up, and does not want to ever have to wait for you to get ready.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Evelyn Champagne King- Stop That (1982)

Why is it that when Joaquin Phoenix stages a fake rap career he is "an artist" and "brilliant" and "doing it for a movie", but when I do it, I'm "weird" and "unstable" and "should stop that"?

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Bronner Brothers- Fantasy (1986)

Bubba Sparxx told Buzzfeed he disappeared off the face of the earth because he got addicted to opium, and lived most of his life in a drug-induced fantasy world, and here I was this whole time thinking that it was because it stopped being 2001.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Cameo- She's Strange (1984)

The other day, I attempted to flirt with a handsome gentleman by way of scented candle. I guess I should have considered my approach as some sort of foreshadowing, because if you come on to someone in a strange way, you're setting the tone for the entire encounter (which was, by the way, super, super fucking weird).

Sunday, May 11, 2014

The Jets- You Got It All (1985)

If someone asked me to name my favorite song by The Jets, I would probably say this one, but first of all, why the fuck are you making me choose, you sadistic bastard? Secondly, the only actual acceptable answer to that question is "all of them".

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Chaka Khan - I Know You, I Live You (1981)

Owning an electric toothbrush makes me feel as if I live in a magical world where dentists aren't a 'thing' at all. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

Eddie Murphy- Party All The Time (1985)

A few nights ago, I spent a whole bunch of time wondering where the fuck I put my Snoop Lion bodysuit so I could wear it to a party, before I remembered that I'm 32 years old, and maybe the age gods finally stepped in.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Shalamar- Make That Move (1980)

Do not try to make a move on me at the bus stop, while I'm in my work clothes, with a Fresca in your hand, because it really does not reflect well on either of us.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Luther Vandross- Never Too Much (1981)

It's not atypical in Calgary at this time of the year to feel like Spring is playing a cruel game of "just the tip" with us, but this relentless teasing is getting to be all too much.
p.s. Between the blooming flowers in all non-Luther scenes, and Luther's easter-egg jacket, this is officially the Springy-est video of all time. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Postive Force- We Got The Funk (1979)

I'm fairly positive that Josh Peck didn't ever lose that much weight, he just became Adam Richman, continued to pork out, and let his slim replacement handle all of the future pop-ins on Disney shows.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Michael Jonzen- Burnin' Up (1986)

I'm a real plan-ahead person, so immediately after chopping a bowl of Thai chilies, I rushed my hands to the sink before they started to burn. I turned on the faucet, and water straight from the deepest, hottest pits of hell came lava-ing out of the tap and onto my hands. It was kind-of like a 'Final Destination' for minor burns that kinda sting for an hour.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Isabel Roberts- Rhythm Of Your Love (1986)

People say that white dudes have no rhythm, but shrinky, jerky, "I gotta pee pee" dances ARE a rhythm, assholes.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Sharon Redd- Beat The Street (1982)

On my old street, all anyone ever talked about was "blah, blah, blah, weather", and "blah, blah, blah, home renos", and you proved your worth by keeping a nice tidy yard and lawn. On my new street, all anyone ever talks about is "blah, blah, blah, studio space", and "blah, blah, blah, bitch, you better have my money", and you prove your worth by rolling up your sleeves and lending a neighbourly hand in moulding the last bits of winter into a giant snow penis.

Friday, March 7, 2014

The Bar-Kays- Tripping Out (1982)

The first time I ever tried hallucinogens, I kept thinking my backpack was falling through my shoulders, and that an old, trollish man was following me. Well, as it so happens, my backpack was fine, and the old man was just an ugly stump someone had thrown onto the beach, and it left me wondering what else in my life was just a figment of my rather vivid imagination.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Taana Gardner- Heartbeat (1979)

I used to think that the heart swung freely around in a person's chest like a pendulum in a grandfather clock, but I was also an exceptionally stupid child. I thought that a small pin through your chest would stop your heart from swinging. I looked at my mom's pincushion in her sewing drawer, and wondered when she was going to make her move on me. Did I mention I was stupid? Also, paranoid. Each year, before I had figured out the mechanics of our cardiovascular system, I would stare at the candles on my cake, remember my mom's barrage of pointy objects, and think to myself, "Nice try Mom- if that's your real name".

Friday, February 21, 2014

Lace- Can't PLay Around (Larry Levan Extended Mix) (1982)

If there's one thing that is certain and true in this world, it is that you can't play around with love (or snakes).

Monday, February 17, 2014

Lamont Dozier- You Ought To Be In Pictures (1981)

I've had people tell me I should be in pictures, and with my perfect skin, height, hair, and charisma, and cam you blame them? Wait. Maybe that's not what they said. They said "your life should be a sitcom", because of the hilariously fucked up day-to-day situations, my odd looks, and the regularity of my horrible slapsticky accidents.

Monday, February 10, 2014

C.C. and Company- When (1987)

When you put your face on a giant billboard, no matter how important or impressive you are, the inevitable truth is that, at some point, somebody is going to try and draw a massive schlong near your mouth.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Take Three- Tonite (All Right) (1983)

True, being in a new relationship turns you into a dazed, sexed-out weirdo for a bit, but the constant lovin' every night gives you a flush of your cheeks and pout on your lips that ultimately saves you big coin on cosmetics.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Side On- Magic (1982)

I always knew, even when I was very small, that the magician at the birthday party that was pulling a long line of scarves out of a hat was probably using the same scarves to clean some pretty unsavory messes, so I always steered clear.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Atlantic Starr- Circles (1982)

I bit the inside of my cheek the other day, and now that it has swelled up, I can't help but continue to bite my cheek. All day, every day. It's a vicious circle that truly sets in stone that Mother Nature is a real bee-otch.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Terry Mackson- Call The Police (1983)

If someone uses the term 'YOLO' totally unironically, then you should probably call the police on them, but if they are the type of person that just wouldn't know any better (ie- someone from a non-English speaking country, someone with a severe head injury, ect.), then a good, solid kick to the crotch should suffice on the first offense. The second offense, police.