Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Shalamar- Take That To The Bank (1978)

You can really take almost anything to the bank with you, but, no matter how good your intentions may be, you risk your relationship with your bank teller if you even think of walking in there toting a sack with a dollar sign on it. Even if you are doing it in a "just-joking" kind of way, you're just messing up their entire bank-robber-profiling system. Also, even if it's really cold outside, do those guys a favor and leave your balaclava at home.

Marcus Miller- My Best Friend's Girlfriend (1984)

I don't think it's ever a good idea to date your best friend's girlfriend, because she's probably a huge bitch.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Shannon- Sweet Somebody (1984)

I've never understood why people use the word 'sweet' to describe other people, when human flesh tastes so distinctly salty.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Power Station- Some Like It Hot (1984)

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover, but I think it's okay to judge a song by how much hairspray the average person would be wearing when the song was released.

When Jethro Tull dropped a new joint, people would sit in circles, cross-legged on the filthy floor, listening to the music pour out of the dusty record player. Their long, unwashed locks would sway in time with the songs, while incense burned to keep the hippie smell at bay.
Nobody puts on a fucking Jethro Tull CD at a party nowadays.
By the time Power Station had released 'Some Like It Hot', people were sashaying their spandexed asses through a laser-lit club to dance on the speakers. They usually had an eight-ball and a pack of Juicy Fruit in their pocket, and an entire can of Aqua Net in their hair. Those bangs were going nowhere , and this track is still perfect.

I don't want to over-generalize, but as a rule, the stiffer the hair, the stronger the track. I can't figure out what causes this phenomenon, but it probably has something to do with aerosol spray cans and the ozone layer.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Norma Jean Wright- Love Attack (1983)

I do believe that the term 'love attack' is just a flowery, sugar-coated way of saying 'rape'.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The System- You're In My System (1983)

I can't imagine the two guys from 'The System' hung out much after work. They would not wish each other any particular harm, in fact they would be rather indifferent to one another.
Glitter-wearing computer nerds that play synthesizers and computers at the same time just don't have that much in common with pleather-wrapped fancy-boys that spend eight hours a day dancing and pouting in front of a mirror. They probably wrote this song over the phone. It is uncertain of whether they ever shot their scenes in the same room. That outer-space background could be hiding a true breakdown in communication between two band mates.

Total Contrast- What You Gonna Do About It (1985)

Man, dudes have really lost the art of wearing a blazer as a separate. Nowadays, if a guy is wearing a blazer without a suit, there will most certainly be some sort of airbrushed glitter rose or rhinestone skull on the back, it is a sure bet.
Not like guys used to wear blazers... Blazers used to mean two things: business, and pure class (or, interchangeably, cocaine and white loafers).
Plus, if a black guy is wearing a blazer with an all-white outfit, then your dad might not get as mad when you bring him home for the first time.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fatback Band- I Found Lovin' (Club Mix) (1983) & Ca$hflow- Mine All Mine (1988)

Song twins!

Wanda- I Must Be Dreamin (1982) & Eveyn 'Champagne' King- Love Come Down (1982) & Vicki D- This Beat is Mine (1981)

Song triplets!

Jan Leslie Holmes- I'm Your Superman (1984)

I guess the one thing they don't draw into the Superman comics is the hours and hours psychotherapy (because of the whole "dad abandoned him in a rocket ship and sent him to another planet" thing). He probably takes antidepressants so that he doesn't cry tears of ice or fly off the handle and throw a 7-11 employee through the window when they run out of the blue slurpee.

p.s. John Leslie Holmes? Sissiest name ever.