Saturday, December 28, 2013

Stereo - Somewhere In The Night (1982)

It's disturbing when you find yourself muttering "Mommy needs a Bailey's and coffee" at 9AM, but what's even more disturbing is that somewhere along the way, I started calling myself "Mommy".

Monday, December 16, 2013

Carmen - Time To Move (1984)

To the guy that just spent the last 20 minutes clearing his throat beside me on the bus: it's either time to move, time to go to the doctor, or time to go get a new hobby.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Betty Cee- Lovesick (1985)

Web MD should have a hypochondriac filter, because I am definitely not as sick as the internet tells me I am.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Unlimited Touch - Your Love is Serious (1983)

LADIES. If you're going to be "low maintenance" and wear a touque and crewneck to the bar, at least ditch the sneakers and throw on some spiked Mqueens to show the world that yes, you may have really phoned it in tonight, but at least you're serious about something.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Pino D'angio- Okay Okay (1981)

Sometimes I think that my years and years of sunbathing put me at a pretty terrible risk for developing skin cancer, but then I look at Dog The Bounty Hunter's leathery hide and think, hey, if this guy's still okay, then I probably have very little to worry about.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Can-Dee- Lucky Day (1984)

Years ago, I almost burned down my entire apartment building making nachos, then, when eating a fresh batch of nachos that I made immediately afterward, I almost choked to death, and people still say that there is no such thing as luck.

Friday, November 8, 2013

High Fashion- Hold On (1982)

Lesson of the day: anything can look high-fashion if you wear enough eyeliner.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Slave- Bad Girl (1983)

I think the world might be telling me something when, probably 80% of the time, I type 'Satan' instead of 'Sarah'. I used to think it was just poor placement of keys, but lately I'm not so sure.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Kevin McCord- Never Say (1985)

If you're wondering when you should divulge your love of beef jerky to a new friend, the answer should be "never".

Saturday, October 19, 2013

George Duke- Shine (1982)

I have been working for years on a simple mathematical formula that equates shininess to deliciousness when eyeballing the endless crap-shoot of a Chinese buffet.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Samson & Delilah- I Can Feel Your Love Slippin Away (1984)

I used to think that I did far too many wild things when I was a kid, but as I watch my youth slip away, I can't help but wonder why teens don't do more stupid things while they have the balls to get away with it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Crown Heights Affair - Dreaming a Dream (1975)

You know, maybe it's all the heavy sleeping medication that I take, but I would just love to have one dream that didn't involve me butchering my own hair, having my clothes fall off in a public place, or letting someone gross stick their hands down my pants. Just. One.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Change- Paradise (1981)

I often wonder if I should change my 'Thug Life' tattoo to 'Hug Life', because it's a great way to trick people into giving me physical affection.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Donna Summer- If It Hurts Just A Little (1982)

If it hurts just a little, then whoa, you're totally doing it wrong. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Change- Hold Tight (1981)

If you ever happen upon a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow, hold onto that little green fucker tight, and never let him go. You never know when you're going to need some extra coin, and leprechauns are basically tiny, annoying ATMS.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Evelyn "Champage" King - Back To Love (1982)

When I was younger, 'back to school' used to be all about new outfits, new crushes, and new opportunities to learn. Now, it just means a longer, more disorganized line at the Domino's by my work, and a greater chance that someone will be an asshole to me on the bus.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Steve Parks - Movin' In The Right Direction (1981)

Until I saw the trailers for the new 'One Direction' movie, I had no idea there was boys in the band that weren't named 'Harry".

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Jean Carne - Was That All There Was (1979)

I can distinctly remember sitting on the end of the bed after my first sexual encounter, thinking to myself "Was that all that was"?
I kept thinking there might be a second, better, part or something, but no dice. That's it, kid. Get used to it.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Earth, Wind & Fire- Fantasy (1978)

In some people's lives, they are millionaires or famous, but I don't like to ask for much from the universe... My fantasies mainly involve getting myself to a point in life where I no longer have to roll nickels, dust my own records, or steal pens from the bank.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Paradise- Back Together (1983)

You can watch as many as those sappy 'dad and son eating Oreos together in a heartwarming way' commercials, the ultimate truth about how to eat Oreos starts in the selection at the grocery store. You don't want a flimsy cookie that falls apart in milk. That's right, Double Stuf ONLY. Then, you take two Double Stuf Oreos, throw away the top cookie (or eat them, I don't care), and put them back together into a Quadruple Stuf Oreo, and that, loving TV dad and son, is how you eat a god damned sandwich cookie.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Meadows- My Love Was Sleeping (1981)

I wish I could find a staying-on-a-rollercoaster contest somewhere, because I would be sleeping on a pile of fucking money right now.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Cyril Featuring Marcel Evans- Will You Show Up (1984)

Every time I cross the border, despite a complete lack of criminal record OR intent, I am just positive that they are going to scan my passport, and I'm going to show up on some sort of international bad-person database where I'll have to go live in a foreign jail where I will have to sleep in the dirt and eat bugs for the next twenty years. It is always a great way to start a vacation.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Linda Clifford- Runaway Love (Jim Burgess 12" Mix) - 1978

If the world got to be too much for me as a child, I would take off on my parents and go hide under the slide at the park. Now, in my thirties, I take a certain amount of solace in reminding myself once in a while, that, although generally frowned upon in adult society, there is still nothing technically preventing me from running away from home.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Phreek- Weekend (1981)

I can't tell you how often I count down the minutes in every weekday, just getting to that magic spot on Friday night where I take off my pants, and leave them off, until Monday morning.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

LaJohn & Sheela- Too Far Gone (1982)

You know you've really gone too far when they give you three pairs of chopsticks in the takeout bag for a solo meal.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Empulse- Secret Love (1982)

This afternoon, I used the word 'seapunk' casually, and I was secretly pretty bummed on myself for the rest of the day.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Mona Rae- Do Me (Tee Scott Mix) (1981)

Ladies. DO ME A FAVOR. Before you decide that you can 'twerk' out in public, try it out in the mirror, be constructively critical of attempt, and ask yourself if you are honestly far too Caucasian to be out popping your ass all over town in the first place. If you're all clear, then please, twerk your little heart out.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Glass Pyramid- Better By The Minute (1984)

There are very few things in this world that get better by the minute, but one such instance is when you're watching two Russian guys getting steadily more annoyed with each other on the train platform.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Light Of The World- London Town (Britfunk Soul Remix)(1980)

We Canuks like to talk a big game about "getting' hoosed", like it's Canada's national pastime or something, but the first time you step foot into a dingy London pub for a greasy breakfast, and the guy beside you orders his fifth daily breakfast pint without anyone batting an eye, you realize that you're a long way from home, maple leaf boy.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Teena Marie- Behind The Groove (1980)

I always feel like modern artists just can't seem to nail the sound of late seventies/early 80's funk, but then I remember that behind every monster groove from that era is a solid layer of cocaine and pre-HIV unprotected sex that nobody would be stupid enough to attempt nowadays.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Melba Moore- Love Me Right (1983)

In order to love me right, you must have a heart of gold, the best of intentions, and a pocket full of rollies and Rolos.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Love Club- Hot Summer Nights (1983)

Many songs will tell you that the most conducive environment for true love is a warm July evening, but not much kills the romance like sweaty palms and the backs of your legs sticking to every piece of vinyl you sit on.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

James Cobbin and Prime Cut- Caught In The Middle (1984)

Sometimes, I get pretty caught up in the meat department at the grocery store, trying to decide between the pricey prime sirloins, that will most certainly be delicious, and grey-colored quick-fry "steaks" that I feel bad leaving behind.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Skyy- Show Me The Way To Go (1981)

Tonight I looked up how to make curly fries, but it was too hard, so now I'm just sitting here, wishing for some curly fries to fall from the sky into my lap.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Charades- Gimme The Funk (1982)

I call bulllllllshit on anyone that says the want "the whole funk, and nothing but the funk", because man, what a commitment.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Five Star vs New Edition- Hide and Seek (1984)

Hide and Seek has become one of my favorite games to play with my little nephews, because while they are tearing the house apart looking for me, Aunt Sarah grabs a beer on the porch and waits for them to give up.
 p.s. This video is one of my favorite things I have ever, ever found on the internet.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Brenda Taylor- You Can't Have Your Cake And Eat It Too (1982)

Though I would consider it my least favorite time of year in any other circumstances, my favorite time at work starts in January and spans to April. It is between these months that the office participates in a weight-loss contest that I have yet to join, so not only do I get to consume my own birthday cake in it's entirety during this period, but everybody else's as well.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Mary Jane Girls- All Night Long (1983)

I used to stay out all night long on a regular basis, but now that I'm in my 30's, the only thing I can do for a full evening is b-rips and Steely Dan.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Kashif- Help Yourself to My Love (1983)

Hey. I'm no slapper over here, but my standards are not overly high. You are welcome to help yourself to my love if you posses any (or ideally, all) of the following qualities: A Nintendo 64 and compatible Harvest Moon cartridge, a large supply of Fruit Stripe gum, a clean and functional hot tub, a really outstanding mustache, a four-poster bed, a large collection of old Sassy Magazines, and/or your name is Kashif.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Teena Marie- Lovergirl (1984)

Shout out to Teena Marie, who showed all of us petite funk-loving white girls that they, too, have the power to make records with, and periodically bang, Rick James in his prime.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Donna McGhee- It Ain't No Big Thing (Danny Krivit Edit)(1978)

After years of rigorous cutbacks on airline snacks, it really ain't no big thing if you want to pack a nice sandwich on the plane with you.
A word to the wise, however: there is a special place in hell for those that choose to bring tuna salad anywhere near the inside of enclosed mass long-haul transportation.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Kashif- Rumors (1983)

Fresh out of high school, my younger sister took a job at a liquor store. One hungover morning, she called into work and told the boss that she would need the day off, as she was grieving the loss of her sister. Little did she know, one of her co-workers was in my graduating class three years prior. I was out on the coast going to school, so I had no knowledge of the rumors floating around until years later, when I realized that people were treating me more "ghost-ish" than I deserved. 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Paradise- Stop And Think (1982)

If you really stop and think about it, "tax time" in April is really just the same as "getting blindly robbed" the other eleven months of the year.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Evelyn "Champagne" King- Smooth Talk (1977)

Although I consider myself an extreme sceptic, you can say just about anything to me in a smooth, baritone Barry White voice, and I'm going to faithfully believe you forever.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Chaka Khan- Fate (1981)

Years ago, I used to go to the roller rink, get myself an off-brand Slurpee from the concession stand, sit on the sidelines. and laugh at the strange pairings during couples skate.
More recently, in my older, softer form, I have decided that if an obese Caucasian woman with a cast on each arm and a tiny Asian man in a Hawaiian shirt want to come together over a mutual love of skate-dancing, then who am I to giggle at fate?

Friday, February 1, 2013

The Jacksons- This Place Hotel (1980)

We didn't ever stay in nice hotels when I was a kid, so I promised myself, as an adult, that it would be four and five stars for the rest of my days.
That being said, I have since learned that the star-rating system is total bullshit.
No, friends, the true barometer of fanciness in a hotel lies in the ice machine.
A couple of years ago, I was on Toronto for a couple of weeks, and stayed at two separate four-star hotels. As someone who greatly enjoys a well-iced drink, my first order of business after checking in is to fill the ice bucket.
When I arrived at the first hotel, I noticed that there was no ice bucket. I called down to the front desk, who promptly sent a handsome bellboy with a silver bucket on a silver tray, filled with the clearest crescents of ice known to man. I called down to the desk several times a day, and no matter what time, or how drunk I was, they would always deliver a shining bucket of shimmering cold crystals with a smile on their face. 
In the second hotel, I lucked out- the ice machine sat directly across from the entrance to my room. A plastic bucket sat on the counter next to the sink. I approached the ice machine with caution, as it sounded like a cement mixer filled with Pop-Rocks. I brushed the dust off of the scoop, and began to chip away at the solid mass of ice inside the machine. I stopped at the first sight of a short, curly hair lodged into the ancient, dingy frost. I'm lucky I didn't find a whole caveman in there. I'm not certain, but there may have been a couple of amorous mice making love somewhere in the back of the machine, too.
I went back to my room, sweaty and defeated. I called down to the front desk, and requested that their bellboy deliver me a bucket of ice. The front desk was hesitant, but a few moments later, I heard the ice machine door across from my room open, and someone picking away at the contents inside. There was a knock at my door, and a surly dude that was a dead ringer the guy on the oatmeal box (if the guy on the oatmeal box had a mild meth habit) handed me a plastic container filled with a single, giant chunk of filthy ice, complete with the lonely pube I had spotted earlier. Oatmeal bellboy stood in the doorway, in some sort of awkward stand-off for a tip, to which I offered, "I think you guys really need to clean your ice machine".

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Central Line- Walking Into Sunshine (Larry Levan Mix) (1981)

When I step out onto my porch, and the beautiful, bright morning sun hits my face and warms my skin, I just know that I'm going to spend the entire day at work telling kids to put their damn shirts back on. I'm not sure the chemistry behind the process, but no matter how cold outside, street kids seem to have a biological need to bare their nipples at the first hint of sunlight. Fact.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Gap Band- Early In The Morning (1982)

When most people say that they are not "morning people", it is implied that they are total outward dicks in the early hours. I, too, am not a fan of mornings, but instead of being a grouchy asshole, I remain sweet and pleasant while calmly, silently plotting the demise of you and everyone around you until noon-ish or two coffees, whatever comes first.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Karen Young- Hot Shot (1978)

If you are really, really good at something, don't brag and show off and be a dick about it.
That is, unless that particular thing is something super difficult like french braiding your own hair, or learning all of the words to a Twista song. In that case, g'ahead hot shot... You earned that shit.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Gary's Gang- Runaway (Dub Mix) (1984)

There is not much more of a humbling experience than slinking home a half an hour after telling your parents you were running away forever, because you forgot your Tiger Beats, and dinner might be kind-of good tonight.