Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Shotgun- Ladies' Choice (1982)

Although it seems like it would be a dream come true, I wouldn't really recommend becoming the ladies' choice, unless you really like stickers and unicorns and sparkles and pink and talking about what makes you sad. Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for, or you'll end up in pigtails.

Pure Energy- Spaced Out (1983)

The whole genre of "space boogie" makes a lot of sense to me. If I were an extra terrestrial, listening to music from space, I would hear all of the mock-alien voices and lasers, and think it was a totally adorable and endearing tribute, like when you tell your Asian friend "me so solly" after kicking over his tea.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Dr. Togo- Be Free (1982)

Today, the owner of my local mom-and-pop groceria told me I was "very beautiful", and that I had "lost weight". I don't hear this shit often. Not gonna lie, I was taken aback.
I thanked him, then paused, strained for words.
"Uhh... Does this mean I get my milk for free?".
The answer was, unfortunately, no.

Eleanor Goodman- Sneak Preview (1987)

The only people that ever go to the sneak preview at a theatre are critics, film-buffs, and people with the unfortunate fetish of pricey concession stands.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Linda Lewis- Class Style (I've Got It) (1984)

Pure class is really not too hard to achieve with the following few rules:

*It's okay to stumble around when you're drunk, so long as your actual ass doesn't ever hit the ground.
*Amaretto Sours are a fine way to start off an evening.
*Hey. Antiperspirant may cause cancer, but it avoids the unfortunate inevitability of people trying to guess the shape of your sweat-stains.
*Ladies. Even when in a dark room, go look in the mirror ever hour, on the hour. Your boobs are probably out of place. Also, if it took you less than an hour to get ready to go out in the evening, then get your ass back in the bathroom, set the timer, and get back to work.
*Gents. Keep your dick in your pants out in public. Can't believe I even have to mention this one, but here we are.
*Gentle ribbing is a natural part of conversation, but it is important to test the waters with a 'yo momma' joke before making jokes about rape or child abuse. Listening for the silent pause is key- a silent pause means that you have to follow with jokes about Obama instead, because these guys are fucking squares.
*If you wear a distinct shade of lipstick, and that color of lipstick just happens to end up on the skin or clothing of someone else, then you guys may as well just go fuck in the bathroom, because it's the same thing.
*Ch-chiggety check yourself. The more the better.

Sade- Smooth Operator (1984)

The other night, I found myself drifting off while thinking about my future. More specifically, hoping and praying that there is a chance in hell that, one day, in my maturity, I might age as well as Sade.
Coming back down to earth, reality hit me hard. I'm not one to crush my own hoop dreams, but a long-term goal of eventually ending up as a statuesque black woman (complete with a voice made of pure silk) might be reaching a tad too far.

p.s. I love, love, love this video. They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Taste Of Honey- Do It Good (1979)

Man, oh, man.
Good funk and disco usually flows so nicely with a glass of wine or a fancy mixed drink. I'm totally gay for a fine cocktail, you know.
...But so rarely do you hear a disco song like this, that would benefit best from a pairing with grape soda and cough syrup from a 2-Litre bottle.

p.s. I love this era of disco, when things got a little weird. By 1979, disco was bound to sound a little sloppy and tired and strung-out; most of the industry had been snorting angel dust for four straight years, and it was time for a well-deserved rest.

Kashif- Lover Turn Me On (1983)

You may have been able to guess, but I once went through a pretty heavy Kashif phase.
You know, catalogued areas in my I-Tunes, memorizing lyrics, researching album covers.
I know, I know... Sounds like a bit of a waste of time, but come on. It was not all in vain. The dude made songs with Sassy Tunes faves Evelyn 'Champagne' King, Whitney Houston, and Melba Moore, and knows how to play a fucking miniMoog.
Also, black guys with moustaches...
Just try to rip a white bitch away.
That shit is classssssy.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Rainy Davis- Sweetheart (1986)

If I weren't so busy trying to stand upright and stop shitting in my pants in 1986, I imagine this would've been my jaaaaam.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Whispers- Emergency (1981)

The longer I work with children, the more I think that many outsmart the people that spawned them.
A young boy of maybe six years old was sitting next to his mother on the benches at work the other day. The boy got up from his seat and turned to his mother. "Mom," he said calmly, "I need to use the washroom, okay?"
His mom looked at him with a panicked concern. "You mean you have to potty? Is it an emergency????"
Before the boy had a chance to answer, his mom had picked him up and was running as fast as she could toward the bathroom. A stern little voice cried out from within her arms. "No, mom, it is not an emergency".
She stopped in her tracks and placed the boy back onto the ground. He brushed himself off, rolled his eyes, and slowly strolled the rest of the way, the front of his pants as dry as the desert. He really took it all in stride, but something tells me that kid has a calender under his bed that counts down to his eighteenth birthday.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Shalamar- Take That To The Bank (1978)

You can really take almost anything to the bank with you, but, no matter how good your intentions may be, you risk your relationship with your bank teller if you even think of walking in there toting a sack with a dollar sign on it. Even if you are doing it in a "just-joking" kind of way, you're just messing up their entire bank-robber-profiling system. Also, even if it's really cold outside, do those guys a favor and leave your balaclava at home.

Marcus Miller- My Best Friend's Girlfriend (1984)

I don't think it's ever a good idea to date your best friend's girlfriend, because she's probably a huge bitch.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Shannon- Sweet Somebody (1984)

I've never understood why people use the word 'sweet' to describe other people, when human flesh tastes so distinctly salty.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Power Station- Some Like It Hot (1984)

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover, but I think it's okay to judge a song by how much hairspray the average person would be wearing when the song was released.

When Jethro Tull dropped a new joint, people would sit in circles, cross-legged on the filthy floor, listening to the music pour out of the dusty record player. Their long, unwashed locks would sway in time with the songs, while incense burned to keep the hippie smell at bay.
Nobody puts on a fucking Jethro Tull CD at a party nowadays.
By the time Power Station had released 'Some Like It Hot', people were sashaying their spandexed asses through a laser-lit club to dance on the speakers. They usually had an eight-ball and a pack of Juicy Fruit in their pocket, and an entire can of Aqua Net in their hair. Those bangs were going nowhere , and this track is still perfect.

I don't want to over-generalize, but as a rule, the stiffer the hair, the stronger the track. I can't figure out what causes this phenomenon, but it probably has something to do with aerosol spray cans and the ozone layer.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Norma Jean Wright- Love Attack (1983)

I do believe that the term 'love attack' is just a flowery, sugar-coated way of saying 'rape'.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The System- You're In My System (1983)

I can't imagine the two guys from 'The System' hung out much after work. They would not wish each other any particular harm, in fact they would be rather indifferent to one another.
Glitter-wearing computer nerds that play synthesizers and computers at the same time just don't have that much in common with pleather-wrapped fancy-boys that spend eight hours a day dancing and pouting in front of a mirror. They probably wrote this song over the phone. It is uncertain of whether they ever shot their scenes in the same room. That outer-space background could be hiding a true breakdown in communication between two band mates.

Total Contrast- What You Gonna Do About It (1985)

Man, dudes have really lost the art of wearing a blazer as a separate. Nowadays, if a guy is wearing a blazer without a suit, there will most certainly be some sort of airbrushed glitter rose or rhinestone skull on the back, it is a sure bet.
Not like guys used to wear blazers... Blazers used to mean two things: business, and pure class (or, interchangeably, cocaine and white loafers).
Plus, if a black guy is wearing a blazer with an all-white outfit, then your dad might not get as mad when you bring him home for the first time.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fatback Band- I Found Lovin' (Club Mix) (1983) & Ca$hflow- Mine All Mine (1988)

Song twins!

Wanda- I Must Be Dreamin (1982) & Eveyn 'Champagne' King- Love Come Down (1982) & Vicki D- This Beat is Mine (1981)

Song triplets!

Jan Leslie Holmes- I'm Your Superman (1984)

I guess the one thing they don't draw into the Superman comics is the hours and hours psychotherapy (because of the whole "dad abandoned him in a rocket ship and sent him to another planet" thing). He probably takes antidepressants so that he doesn't cry tears of ice or fly off the handle and throw a 7-11 employee through the window when they run out of the blue slurpee.

p.s. John Leslie Holmes? Sissiest name ever.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Gap Band- Outstanding (1982)

I've been considering a little social experiment. I'm going to go into Gap, and put on the biggest, ugliest jeans and see if the sales person still tells me I look "outstanding". I can't shake this feeling that their opinions are less valid than they would have you believe.

Fonda Rae- Over Like A Fat Rat (1982)

Years ago, I lived in Victoria, and would pass by the same homeless girl on the way to work every day. She would be slumped over, her dreadlocks and Cowichan sweater entwined with one another in a mass of fuzz and dirt. Her only friend, a rat that lived in a bucket, was kept beside her at all times. I used to smile to myself as I strolled past- firstly for the irony (what are the odds that a dirty rat and a dirty hippie would find each other in this crazy world and become BFFs?), but mostly for the sitcom potential.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Jupiter Band- Sarah Love (1987)

I love you guys, too!

Shakatak- Watching You (1985)

Oh, you're watching me too? I see. Perhaps it's time to stop handing out my address on ChatRoulette.

Venna- Watching You (1983)

You've been watching me? I see. I guess you probably saw when I spit soup all over the place because my mouth was too frozen to eat because I hadn't been to the dentist since I was taken off my mom's benefit plan when I was nineteen...
Hopefully you were taking a bathroom break when that happened.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Delagation- I Wantcha' Back (1981)

What I really 'wantcha' to do is find some common decency and faith in today's crazy world, and also to find a way to bring back Marshmallow Krispies and Crystal Pepsi.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Gwen Guthrie- Hopscotch (Larry Levan Mix) (1983)

I think would enjoy playing hopscotch a lot more if there was actual scotch involved in the game. Sure, those little glass snifters would break all over the cement, and there'd be a ton of wasted eight-year-olds on the playground, but you try competing with all of the video games and fancy-boy vampire movies that kids are into nowadays. A little liquor would catapult hopscotch back into 1930's popularity- it's a sure bet!

Stinger J- Pretty Face (1987)

A pretty face can get you out of pretty much anything in this world, except for maybe quicksand.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Vaughan Mason & Butch Dayo- Party On The Corner (1983)

Ooooh, man. What if they had a party on my corner? The dirty Italian thugs from the illegal chop shop down the street would be serving some type of grain alcohol to everyone, my autistic next-door neighbour would be screaming and kicking along with the music, and the lesbians down the way would be drinking dark beer and keeping everyone's lawns in check during the festivities. In other words, it would be the worst party of all time.

Laurice Hudson- Feel My Love (1982)

Usually, if someone is asking me if I can "feel their love", I am in the middle of trying to push them off of my leg, mid-dry hump, on the dance floor at 3AM.... To be honest, that's the only time I ever really hear that phrase.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ca$hflow- I Need Your Love (1986)

Some alternate first lines for this song:
It's only nice out in this city when I'm at work all day, and then I spill pee on my shoe on the same day: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
I would like to take a ride in a convertible, but I don't want to have to sit next to a total dick for an hour: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
Ice Cream Truck slows up in front of the house, then takes off when I run out the door waving money: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
I get the day off of work, and channel 38 is playing a stupid parade instead of three episodes of Maury: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
Theatre is out of Junior Mints, and tries to talk me into Twizzlers instead: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that.
Parents make fun of me for wearing 'hammer pants' to a family BBQ: it shouldn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that, mom.

Alphonso Ribeiro- Dance Baby (1983)

People always rip on Alphonso Ribeiro (because nobody wants to side with Carleton instead of Will), but they forget that he danced with Michael Jackson in that amazing Pepsi commercial, he knows how to tie a sweater in a proper knot, and he had his own instructional break dance video. Also, ask yourselves this: if he goes away forever, then who is going to play the lame black guy on every show in the world?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Apollonia 6- Sex Shooter (1984)

I'm not trying to be prudish or anything, but there's no way in hell that I want to be in front of this so-called "sex shooter" when it goes off. Sounds unsanitary and messy.

Side note- Purple. Fucking. Rain. Am I right, folks?

Ulysses82- Don't Speak French (2009)

A french accent loses it's romanticism and sophistication when it is used in front of me at 7-11 to argue about the price of pepperoni sticks with the clerk.

Friday, August 6, 2010

La Toya Jackson- Think Twice (1984)

Sometimes, I kind-of feel bad for Latoya Jackson. You know, with all of the family scandals, the negative press, the sliding career, and the fact that she's only fourth-craziest in her family.

Sybil Thomas- Rescue Me (1983)

If someone really wanted to "rescue me", they would keep an eye on the goddamn milk in my fridge for me (before it's floating, in chunks, on top of my coffee).

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Freeez- I.O.U. (1983)

I would say that, all in all, my life is pretty much perfect, beyond the fact that I have yet to figure out the semantics of the "all freeze pop" diet.
So far, my biggest hurdle has been constant blue tongue. Also, the constant bouts of scurvy (and sticking to strictly citrus flavors is, unfortunately, not helping as much as I would have hoped).

Steve Harvey- Tonight (1983)

There are two types of Steve Harveys in the world: The type of Steve Harvey that releases a few great funk tracks in the early 80's, and the type of Steve Harvey that has the number one collection of bright, ill-fitting suits, and just won't quit with the terrible jokes.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Rockwell- Somebody's Watching Me (1984)

The next time you feel like you should 'dance like nobody's watching', you should try to remember that I am watching you. Have some humility. Oh, just think of the snappy little comments I will have about your moves and your outfit and the way there's a horny black guy sneaking up on you from behind... On second thought, you may as well knock yourself out, and dance however the fuck you want. It gives me something to do.

p.s. Fun fact- this is my favorite song of all time.

Jones Girls- Who Can I Run To (1979)

The very finest basslines are not characterized by their trunk-shaking thumps, but rather by their 'smoother than KY' riffs.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bromar- Call Me Up (Extended) (1985)

Call me up- I've been thinking about ways to win "America's Got Talent", and if I don't start unloading some of these ideas, I might explode.
Greasy magicians, a retired military man, computers, fire, homeless dogs, old people, fat people, lasers, the disabled, and a girl dressed as a 'sexy cat'. All in one act.
You try to wrap your head around all of that by yourself.

Raymun- Do You Feel Like I Feel (1983)

Do you guys feel like I feel? Like people are dressing too "shiny" lately? Sometimes, when I'm out, the spotlight will hit someone on the dance floor, and the reflection is blinding. Light beams off of clothes are just as invasive to my personal space as dudes with grabby hands and people who won't stop talking to me (too closely) about why they love dubstep. Also, it makes me nervous to be able to use someone's ass as a mirror.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Rock Candy- I Got Love (1982)

As an adult, the term 'rock candy' has me thinking less about the delicious edible gravel I envisioned as a child, and more about the sugar-related ant problems that may arise.

Mini Curry- Serious (1987)

There are only two times in this world that I get serious: when I lose a loved one, and when I'm stepping up to the buffet table.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Fancy- Bodyguard (1985)

I bet the best part about being a bodyguard is the "thanks for making sure that my head doesn't get blown off, and taking a bullet for me if the situation arises" Christmas gift every year.

Khemistry- Who's Fooling Who (1982)

My eleventh grade chemistry teacher told me that science has an answer for everything. The same teacher died of a heart attack about a year later. I guess what he meant to say was: science has an answer for everything except for uncontrollable snack attacks.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

High Fashion- Love (1983)

Let me tell you what 'high fashion' really is: a lot of pointy, and a lot of baggy.

Whtiney Houston- Thinking About You (1985)

It's so sad that Whitney got herself hooked on crack...
Like, she couldn't afford designer drugs? There are times that I think she makes Lohan seem classy. Come on Whitney, lay some real money on the table and grab yourself a needle, bitch. The goal is "glamour addict", not "even too crazy for Bobby Brown addict".
Also, this was the second single on Whitney's first album, and it tanked! I like this track because Whitney sounds cute, poor, and hungry.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Chaka Khan- I Feel For You (1984)

I wish my parents would have thought harder about my name. Instead of 'Sarah', how about 'Chaka', or 'Khan' (both are great!)? 'Sarah' get you a modest house and a modest career later in life, 'Chaka' ensures that you will be a lioness with the voice of an angel when you grow up. Ask yourself: what do you want for your children???

Dazz Band- Joystick (1983)

When I was a kid, one cool thing you could do is go to the arcade. As I found out the hard way, one uncool thing you could do was to gravitate immediately toward the 'Dig Dug' machine.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Coffee- Casanova (1980)

You know, people talk about Casanova like he was the 'king of romance', but you and I both know he was basically just in it for the 'tang.

Gwen McCrae- 90% of Me Is You (1975)

When I listen to this song, it's tough to imagine that it would even be possible to have yourself 90% consumed into anything, but then I remember that my personal hatred of those open-toed boots (seen on every other girl in the world) is getting pretty damn close.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Lillo Thomas- Sexy Girl (Sexy Mix) (1987)

If somebody asked me my opinion on the sexiest qualities a man can have, "an ability to put up with my bullshit" would be near the top of the list.

Aleem featuring Leroy Burgess- Confusion (1986)

The world is such a confusing place, but much moreso when you mix vodka and Ativan into the equation.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I-Level- All My Love (1983)

I often wonder what the equivalent of 'all of my love' would be in grape soda. I bet it would be at least enough to properly stock the cooler at 7-11.

Odyssey- Inside Out (1982)

I would never want to be turned inside-out, unless I could sucker someone else into cleaning the guts off of the floor afterward.

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Time- Get it Up (1981)

I think I really would've enjoyed being a young woman in the early eighties, beyond my sneaking suspicion that I would be really into guys that look like The Time.
My first sexual encounters were confusing enough, without having to explain to my parents why there's glitter and coke-sweat stains on my bedsheets, and why Prince is in our bathroom 'freshening up'.

Gwen Guthrie- Seventh Heaven (Larry Levan Remix) (1983)

If everyone strives to get to Seventh Heaven, then Fifth Heaven and Sixth Heaven must be total shitholes.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Silvia Striplin- Give Me Your Love (1981)

True fact: opening your mouth in photos will always give the appearance that you are having a nice time at a party.
However, if you are at a party with a Playboy boat captain brotha and two saucy euro-twins, opening your mouth in photos is merely a gesture... The 'nice time' is already implied.

Genius of Love- Tom Tom Club (1981)

"Whatchoo gonna do when you get outta jail?"
"I'm going to knock over another liquor store, hurt some people, and probably just go back to jail".

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ready For The World- Long Time Coming (1986)

If there's one hairstyle that should've gained a little respect by now, it's the Jheri curl (if not for the price of the hair products alone!). Also, there's no better way to say "I was here" than to brush your head up against any hard surface, and leave a perfect greasy imprint of your shiny curls. Grafitti artists, put away your spray cans and Sharpies. Soul-Glo is the new tagging medium.

Janice Christie- Candy Love (1987)

I guess the only thing better than music that sounds like lasers are actual, real lasers (like the kind that blow up entire cities or the kind that fix your grandmother's cataracts).

Friday, June 25, 2010

Teena Marie- Starchild (1984)

I'm pretty sure this was written for Rick James, but was also heavily influenced by narcotics and shiny things. A few months ago, while we were in Edmonton, we thought we saw Rick James at the bank machine, but it probably wasn't him.

Jeffrey Osborne - Plane Love (Remix) (1983)

I found this song a few years ago, and reminds me of acid rain and dirty hotel pools and expensive furs. The background music is busy, with six or seven different samples looped over one another, and Jeffrey Osborne has a voice that makes you think "I bet that guy wears classy cologne".