Wish ft Fonda Rae- Touch Me (All Night Long) (1983)

True fact: touching (or being touched) all night long can lead to chafing, tenderness, and redness... Most young gentlemen have to learn that one the hard way.

Sylvester- I Need You (1979)

You know, I used to watch a lot of Loony Tunes, and I have always felt kind-of bad for Sylvester. First of all, that Tweety has some powerful friends. How does a little annoying yellow bird trick a giant, burly, muscular bulldog into being his bodyguard? He must have Jerky Treats or Snausages or something hidden in his cage.
Secondly, why has nobody mentioned to that senile old lady that owns Sylvester that cat food is like 39 cents a can at the store? The old bag must keep forgetting to feed him, or he wouldn't continuously putting his life on the line for a chewy, sinewy (possibly homosexual?) old canary.

Love Club- Hot Summer Nights (1983)

I really don't know much about these supposed "love clubs". You guys know what I'm talking about: the kind that you are 94% positive that your creepy Scandinavian neighbours are attending when they leave the kids with a sitter on the weekends (you can almost see the outline of a leather harness under their clothing, as well as several strains of Syphilis).
I guess these establishments might be alright in the winter, with saggy bodies rubbing against each other for warmth, but take a bunch of naked strangers, and add a hot, muggy summer night, and you've got yourself a contained room of swamp-ass.
Ugh... Remind me to never decide to try and "spice things up" when I get older.

Imagination- Music and Lights (1982)

When I finally succumb to the temptation to test out that "antifreeze tastes like Kool-Aid" theory, and it's time for me to float up into that magical fortress the sky, I would imagine there would be lights, and music, and a dude with cheeseburgers, and free slurpees, and, hey, why are you poking me in the ass with a red-hot pitchfork? Stop that, now. This is my moment. You're spilling my Slurpee.

Sharon Redd- Never Give You Up (1982)

Although the words are not often spoken out loud, it is common knowledge that the term "never give you up" is almost always preceded by "unless something better comes along in the meanwhile".
Never say never, fool.

The Bar Kays- Nightcruising (1980)

I wonder how I would behave on a cruise ship. Like, I know I would wear a lot of pastel colors, eat buffet for every meal, and play shuffleboard and shit, but I have a strong feeling that I would act somehow differently without the prolonged presence of dry ground. Wobblier than normal, I guess.
Something tells me my sound judgement would be at risk as well, with all of those fancy cocktails floating around. I'm not made of stone over here.
I hope I get to go on a cruise sometime. I mean, I'd be totally annoyed by about the fourth hour on the ship, but I imagine those first three hours would be pretty damn relaxing.

Midnight Star- Engine No. 9 (1986)

If you are looking for an alternative to taking a Greyhound bus, why not consider railway travel? It is much cleaner, the staff are significantly less surly (and, on average, have at least ten more teeth than you average Greyhound attendant), and your chances of being decapitated in a psychotic murderous rage go down by a whopping 900%!

Wendy Peddie- Gonna Get Over You (1988)

Just when I think that I'm finally gonna get over the McRib sandwich, just when I think I've got the last little bit of "pork" and tangy "BBQ" sauce cleared out of my arteries, summer comes around and, uh-oh, total McRib party again.

Curiosity- The Jets (1985)

On Friday after work, I followed a trail of blood on the sidewalk for about half a block. Little drips of blood, one in a row. At the end of the trail was a gallon jug of 'Muscle Pharm'-brand protein powder, and an open tube of KY Jelly. I tried to forget about it over the weekend, but it's Monday, and my curiosity still has the best of me. I still have so many questions. Nameley, where is this supposed 'Muscle Pharm'? Do they have sheep with really ripped abs, and chickens that could claw your face off?
Also, why is bodybuilding so popular? Bunch'a oily dudes drinking powdered shakes and posing in front of non-oily dudes, and apparently, the lube and blood fit in there somewhere too.

The Crusaders- Street Life (1979)

Although I firmly believe that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, I do not feel that I am cut out for the street life. Day in and day out, while at work, I observe street people in their natural environment, and I have been able to discern that there are two main reasons for my hesitance on this matter: (1) my monthly eyeliner budget, and (2) I would be apt to complain at the soup kitchens that "soup is not exactly a meal". Also, the rats.