Aleem ft Leroy Burgess- Love Shock (1987)

As a space-saving measure in my tiny childhood home, my parents placed the Apple IIE in my room. I, for some reason, took great honor with this. One afternoon, I decided to play a relaxing after school game of Oregon Trail. However, like all computers on the planet, this machine was prone to technical difficulties, which lead me to crawl under the desk to unplug it. Those 80's public service announcements were, unfortunately, true: children should not play with electricity. My tiny, eight-year-old hands received the shock of a lifetime, and as I was laying on the floor trying to regain some sort of consciousness, the only thought I could muster together was "I guess this means no more Apple IIE".

Johnny Kemp- Just Another Lover (1986)

I guess I am just another lover, really... That is, until the end when I offer you a post-coital cigarette in the bubble gum, chocolate, or chalky white candy variety. Take your pick.

Matakena- Nuts On Me (1983)

This song is basically the best way to describe my entire college experience... Kidding, kidding (but only kind-of).
Pssssttttt. The joke, you see, is that I sort-of, might've slept around in college. Get it? Nuts?
Ugh... I am so sorry about this crap.

Slave- Shine (1988)

The thought of having a S&M-style slave to follow me around is very intriguing to me. Here's what you do: you get a guy that really wants to please you, and walk around while he is strapped to a leather leash and he hangs on your every word and does whatever you ask of him...
I guess it sounds pretty exciting and all, but it's probably just easier to get a regular (non-S&M) dog. Same diff.

Switch- Treason (1984)

When I was in the second grade, I took home the class pet, a baby duck, for a long weekend. The plan was to keep the duck at the house until lunchtime on Tuesday, when the teacher would come and pick up the duck from our house. The duck and I had a magical weekend. Best friends til' the end. However, on Tuesday, my mom picked me up early for lunch and had a bottle of flavored seltzer water in her hands. I knew something was wrong. As I sipped my kiwi-mango soda, I was told that my little duck friend had not made it through the morning, and that his little body would have to be thrown into the trash. I was heartbroken and devastated, until my mom told me that she would get our garbage man to cremate the duck and give him a tiny duck funeral. This felt respectful and satisfying to my sad little soul.
...I didn't know it at the time, but this incident was a prime example of stone-cold treason, and god help my mom if I ever find a good lawyer.