Evelyn 'Champagne' King- Sweet Delight (1980)

Having an obsessive compulsion probably sucks most of the time, but when the bathtub is scrubbed crazy clean, the rough skin on your foot has been picked off with laser precision, and you are the confident person in the world that your oven knobs are all in the 'off' position, it might feel kind-of OCD-elightful for a fleeting moment.

Central Line- Time For Some Fun (1984)

I wish that the ad execs would just quit trying to make Diet Coke seem like it's a whole lot of fun, when everyone knows it's for diabetics and chubby senior high school students trying to fit into their prom dress.

The Jones Girls- You Gonna Make Me LOve Somebody Else (1979)

I like to think that my life mimics HBO's 'Girls', except with 84% less white privilege, 800% less whining, and 40% less ass-misshaping rompers.

Superior Movement- Be My Cinderella (1982)

Cinderella had it all wrong. If you have a fairy godmother and a bunch of slave-mice at your disposal, you should not be asking for a pumpkin carriage to take you to a ball to find a prince to marry while your stepsisters look on with jealousy. Instead, you should be asking for a shiny red corvette to take you to THE Prince's house to fuck while 'Erotic City' plays in the background and Sheila E looks on, waiting to get tagged in.

The Walkers- Sky's The Limit (1983)

Do you think that astronauts feel super cocky when they hear the term "sky's the limit"? Like, maybe for you dickwads.

Aretha Franklin- Jump To It (Extended Version) (1982)

I always said to myself: I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, but then they invented the Luther Burger, and it was all too late.
I better jump to it, and fast, if I want to meet Aretha Franklin, in case someone invents an 'Aretha Burger' and things get out of hand. 

Kenny James - Can't Keep Holding On (1984)

You can't hold onto every single one of your childhood ideals for life (because ultimately, that makes you sort-of autistic), but if you're going to keep one hope alive, make sure it's the one where you have a slurpee machine in your kitchen, because that shit would be so. fucking. dope.

Skyy- Here's To You (1980)

We applaud firefighters and police officers for the tough job they do every day, but in my opinion, the real heroes are the guys that use planes to write messages in the sky, who tirelessly resist the temptation to stop in the middle of a beautiful engagement message to write really bitchy, derogatory comments about their ex.

DD Sound- Wake Up In The Night (1982)

When I realized that my neighbours beside me, and my neighbours above me, were gone for the week, I felt like a Christmas-time Kevin McAllister when he realized that he no longer had a bunch of dicks in his house trying to tell him what to do.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if I wake up in the night and couple of bumbling burglars have broken into my place, though. My skills in constructing wacky traps are mediocre at best.

Cliff Dawson- Can't Get Enough (2014)

I'm going to pull a Cliff Dawson, and start up a blog of even SASSIER tunes when I turn 70.