Conversion- Sweet Thing (1982)

Last night, I watched a dude, right in the middle of a UFC-fueled bro-down, request that his friends grab him a drink at the bar. He specified loudly his aversion to sweet drinks. Anything but sweet drinks. Too girly. He is heterosexual, thankyouverymuch. His friends returned with a glass of bourbon. A man drink, he says, while he downs the sickly sweet liquid. Near the end of the glass, he puts his arms around two of his friends. I love you guys so much, he whispered closely into one of their ears.

Rashawn- You're The One (1985)

The one sure thing in my entire life, the only sure thing in my entire life -past, present, and future- is repetitive, uninspired, and melodramatic Lohan arrests on the reg.

TFO- Friend Of Mine (1986)

In order to be a friend of mine, you need to have a great record collection, a love of fine dining and the 5-cent candy bins at 7-11, a beautiful smile, and an unusually high tolerance for bullshit.

Howard Johnson- Stand Up (1985)

I hate when I stand up after sitting with someone for a while, and they say something about how they didn't realize I was so tiny. It's like, do you not realize you've been speaking to the top of my head the entire time?

May Day- It Makes Me Mad (1985)

Juvenile "comedy" magazines like 'Mad' and 'Cracked' take me much longer to read than their intellectual counterparts, mainly due to unusual time I spend discerning whether each advertisement is real, or just a terribly-done parody.

The Time- 777-9311 (1982)

There used to be these parties that I went to every few months. They were in a basement of a Jamaican restaurant, and some of my favorite friends would DJ, and they were always the best time ever. That is, minus the fact that the tiny, hobbit-like bartender had a real thing for me. Now, people often mention a certain "Napoleon complex" that infects many guys of smaller stature, but what they don't often discuss is their aggressive tendencies when they meet a smaller lady. It's like they feel like it's their last chance at love or something.
Like it's genetically meant-to-be.
Point is, this dude was always very feisty when it came to trying to trick me into dating him. One evening, I thought I had evaded him entirely, when out of the shadows he rose, cell-phone in hand. "What's your digits?", he asked me, and I rattled off some fake number. He proceeded to dial it right in front of my face. "Nope", he said, "I know that's not your number". I was in a real bind, so I just gave him the next number I could think of: 777-9311. This time, he didn't even bother dialing. We stared in silence for a moment. "Ah", I said, "I see you are familiar with the works of Morris Day and The Time", and walked away.

Womack & Womack- Baby I'm Scared Of You (1983)

The thing about Halloween up in Canada is, it's tough for people to be scared of you when you are wearing a North Face jacket and have a terrible head cold.

Funkmasters- Have You Got The Time? (1984)

Be honest, have you got the time to wade through racks and racks of poorly sewn costumes this year? When seeking the answer for the perfect Halloween get-up, here's a hint that might save you a few precious minutes: the solution lies nowhere near morphsuit section.
A good costume is only pretend scary.

Klique- Inside Me (1983)

I don't know much about what lies beneath my skin, but I do know there's a bunch of pink stuff. You know, like guts, blood, and years and years of all of the Dubble Bubble I've swallowed.

Bunny DeBarge- Save The Best For Me (1986)

Though I have had some errors in judgement over the years, I can take true solace in the fact that I will never be crowned the queen of bad decisions as long as there are DeBarges left in the world.