Kenny Smith- Witness (1980)

After a particularly bad cold and flu season a few years ago, wherein I had watched The Sopranos series in it's entirety, I swear I will never, ever say a damn thing if I witness a crime...
Can't write sassytunes from the bottom of the Bow River with an ice pick through my skull.
No siree.

Yarbrough & Peoples- Don't Stop The Music (1980)

There's always this point in the night- somewhere between 2:15 and 3:00, depending on where you go- where the music starts to get really amazing again, and the legal drinks stop flowing and the strange free-handout drinks appear in your palm (usually import beer from one of the "sketchy countries"), and you stay on the dance floor in fear of the last few notes playing over the speakers. Then the lights come up and there's puke and blood on the floor, a bunch of broken glass, the air reeks of cheap tequila and red bull, and your blistered feet stick on the ground as you walk. This is a feeling universally known as "time to go home".

Melba Moore- Mind Up Tonight (1982)

Yo, I love a piece of Melba toast as much as the next guy, but you know that shit is just old bread, right?

Sheila E- The Glamorous Life (1985)

It took me a long time to realize that the true "glamour" of Sheila E had less and less to do with glitter headbands and unapologetic spandex and more and more to do with banging Prince.

Prestige- Cheating (1983)

I'll admit, it would be horrible to have a cheating boyfriend, but at least I'd finally get the chance to ask Joey Greco what brand of hair gel he has been using all these years.

Prince- Lady Cab Driver (1982)

For all of the cabs I've ever hopped into, I've never had a female cab driver, but I'm willing to bet there would be a bare minimum 150% improvement on the smell.

Shotgun- Ladies' Choice (1982)

Although it seems like it would be a dream come true, I wouldn't really recommend becoming the ladies' choice, unless you really like stickers and unicorns and sparkles and pink and talking about what makes you sad. Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for, or you'll end up in pigtails.

Pure Energy- Spaced Out (1983)

The whole genre of "space boogie" makes a lot of sense to me. If I were an extra terrestrial, listening to music from space, I would hear all of the mock-alien voices and lasers, and think it was a totally adorable and endearing tribute, like when you tell your Asian friend "me so solly" after kicking over his tea.

Dr. Togo- Be Free (1982)

Today, the owner of my local mom-and-pop groceria told me I was "very beautiful", and that I had "lost weight". I don't hear this shit often. Not gonna lie, I was taken aback.
I thanked him, then paused, strained for words.
"Uhh... Does this mean I get my milk for free?".
The answer was, unfortunately, no.

Eleanor Goodman- Sneak Preview (1987)

The only people that ever go to the sneak preview at a theatre are critics, film-buffs, and people with the unfortunate fetish of pricey concession stands.