Final Edition- We're Moving On (1980)

I really hate moving, but the official escape from the chicken soup-smelling hallway and general dickery of the building I am currently in totally justifies the week of miserable hard-ass labor.

p.s. There is like one hundred million great synth lines in this song, and the bass line is dope as fuck, so please listen on headphones!

Shotgun- Falling In Love (1980)

It's hard to believe, in 2015, that dues are still falling for the sexy decoys on the Maury. Like, have you never stayed home from work sick for the day, man? Scratch that, have you ever even had a job that took you away from daytime TV? Nowadays, getting tricked by the Maury Show is on the same level as truly believing that a Nigerian prince is e-mailing you to front him some cash.

Claudette Polite- I'll Come When You Call Me (1987)

Typically I'm the one walking into places reeking of weed, so when I showed up at the Kevin Hart concert on Monday and was the only person that wasn't fresh out of a hot-boxed car, I almost felt like I was being impolite. 

Kleeer- Running Back To You (1981)

There are times that I wish I was a celebrity. Not for the fame, or the money, or the public recognition, but rather the unwavering trust that the general public has in your basic opinions. For example, as far as I am aware, Shaquille O'Neal is not a physician, nor has ever set foot in a chiropractic school, but when that dude starts to talk about back pain in the commercials, I'm like, well, this guy probably knows what he's talking about.

Love Come Down- Evelyn "Champagne" King (1982)

As much as I bitch and moan and complain about Halloween, it's tough to deny that for some folks, it's a good form of escapism for one night. It must be a harsh comedown for someone to go to bed a slutty nurse on the 31st, and wake up back to being Brandy, super slutty Denny's waitress, on the 1st. 

Kenny Moore- It Only Takes A Minute (1982)

It only takes a minute to realize that a catchy song like 'Hotline Bling' was released solely for the purpose of boozey-breathed drunk bitches to scream-request it at the club "because it's my friend's biiiiiiiiiiiithday". 

The Brothers Johnson- I'll Be Good To You (1976)

I was burning some sage and incense to give my place some good house-selling vibes, and a neighbor comes down and accuses me of smoking pot, and it's like yo, you can kick in any time now, sage.

Aurra- Perfect Date (1984)

My boyfriend took me out on the perfect date this weekend. It started simple enough: sushi, a drive, letting me smoke a joint in the car while we drive around downtown listened to Future jams that he had downloaded earlier in the week. Fifteen months in, and I'm still smitten with the guy. As he pulls up to the front of my building, he looks in my eyes and says something more panty-melting than all the love sonnets in the world: "I've got a half bag of Sour Patch Kids in my backpack. Let's go inside".

Hot And Sassy- Let's Funk It Up (1980)

Yesterday, I stood on a corner downtown. Across from me was a human-Terminator type stretching his calves, waiting for the light to turn, and wearing only running shorts and sneakers. I leaned into the guy beside me and said "Apparently the great shirt shortage of 2015 is way worse than anyone thought". The guy beside me smirked, and held up his hand for a high-five. Sassin' ain't easy, but it sho' is fun.

Junior- Mama Used To Say (1982)

Say what you will about homeless dudes, hipsters have been ripping off their style for like fifteen years straight. They may not be able to maintain housing, but nobody in the world better understands the intricacies of flannel shirt toppers.

Howard Johnson- Much Too Much (1983)

I watched a lot of 60 Minutes on CBS as a small child, and Morley Safer said that 1 in 25 people were a sociopath. 25 was also the size of the majority of my elementary school classes. I studied my mom's true crime books cover to cover looked for the signs in my classmates. At the end of the year, after much too much close examination of my fellow students, it became painfully clear that I was the one that should leave the second grade and start figuring out how to procure black market weapons.

The Isley Brothers- Between The Sheets (1983)

Some people feel autumn's cool chill in the air and think of it as "sweater weather", "boot weather", or a great time for pumpkin-flavored everything.
Me? I think of it as "that few months where it's too damn cold to fuck on top of the covers".

The Live Band- A Chance For Hope (1982)

If the Sarah of 2005 would have known that the Sarah of 2015 could wake up hungover, and order Korean fried chicken to the door without even speaking to a single human, I think I probably would've had a whole lot more hope for the future in general.

The Next Movement- Let's Work It Out (1982)

Though I am not about to blab my sexual fantasies all over the internet, it's safe to say that every single one begins with me getting the day off of work.

Marva King- Feels Right (1981)

Life would be so much easier if I just got everything right the first time around, but the learning curve is so much more severe and permanent if I fuck things up real good a few times first.

Skyy- Call Me (1981)

I feel sorry for today's kids. With caller ID and IP addresses and whatnot, they will never know the thirty seconds of soul-less joy that comes with prank-calling someone in the middle of the night.

Pike- Good Feelings (1982)

This morning, Reggie squatted over, and pooped on, a crushed, wet cowboy hat, and nothing in the world could've been more effective at conveying my feelings about the past two weeks in this city.

Prestige- Cheating (1983)

You'll never see so many people visibly mulling over the intricacies of the "eating is not cheating" theory as you will during the ten days of the Calgary Stampede.

Aretha Franklin- Every Girl (Wants My Guy) (1983)

I'd never really dated anyone in the public eye before, so I had no idea that walking around with a "I get good dick face" was going to get me a slew of haters, but dear jesus that shit is worth it.

Manhattan Rhythm- Sweet Lady (1983)

I get super disappointed when I get a summer cold, but then I remember it's just the quarterly siren song of sweet lady Robitussin, ready to take me on a journey full of giggly highs and terrifying lows, all in the name of cough control.

Peech Boys- Don't Make Me Wait (1982)

The hierarchy of artificial fruit flavors is as such (in descending order): grape, lime, lemon, blue, strawberry, green apple, watermelon, cherry. This list is thrown completely up in the air when the seldom-found, seldom offered peach flavor is added to the list, because you just cannot fuck with peach.

Intrigue- I Like It (1982)

The intrigue and allure of driving around in a shiny, brand-new drop-top Beamer is lost completely if you're driving around loudly listening to talk radio discuss why allergies are so prevalent nowadays.

The Brothers Johnson- Stomp! (1980)

On the top of the list of things I swore I'd never do, but secretly knew I probably couldn't avoid forever: Cirque Du Soleil. For those who don't know, Cirque Du Soleil is what happens when you give French Canadians their own circus. They stomp around in elaborate costumes and everyone is a contortionist, or someone that enjoys genuinely endangering themselves. Watching people fly through the air, catching each other mid-flip, I spent half the show marveling at the control these people had over their bodies, and the other half staring at the floor, shaking my head and thinking to myself "white people".

p.s. RIP Louis Johnson.

George Duke- Reach Out (1983)

Working with street youth can be tough. With a natural distrust of the system, connections can be hard to make, and can take weeks or even months to make any headway at all. All in all, I've just learned over the years to try to be as approachable as possible, and listen more than I speak. I have to admit, though, there's still a very small part of my brain that wants to turn my baseball cap backwards, sit on my chair the wrong way, and start speaking in faux ebonics, just like the Narcs that use to come do anti-drug presentations at my elementary school. The fact that I'm ten years in the game without being stabbed tells me that I am correct to stifle those urges.

Keni Burke- Risin' To The Top (1981)

Here's a hot late spring tip for all of you fellas: if you have to question whether or not it is tank-top weather, it is decidedly not tank-top weather.

Ike Turner Ft. Tina Turner and Home Grown Funk- Party Vibes (1980)

They say that your priorities change as you grow up, and it's kind-of true. Like, instead of worrying about drinking and partying every single Friday, my grown brain is mostly just concerned with getting my damn pants off and watching Stevie J raw-dog chicks on Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta.

Yvonne Gage- Garden Of Eve (1981)

The Garden of Eden was doomed to fail. You can't put two naked adults in a segregated area, and expect that they won't start looking at each other's hoo-hoos out of sheer boredom. Like, I spend twenty minutes alone in my apartment, and I'm channel-surfing to see which program is currently showing the most cleve'.

Pleasure- Sending My Love (1982)

Being in super, ultra, crazy love has been amazing for most things in my life, but my Netflix "to watch" list is currently staring at me like "What the fuck? We had a good thing going for a while. I have needs, too. You were my world, girl".

The Spinners- Right Or Wrong (1984)

World hunger and violence are a day-to-day reality, but seeing one of those hardcore outdoorsy dudes smugly riding a unicycle to work in a snowstorm really makes me wonder where the fuck we went wrong as a society.

Evelyn 'Champagne' King- Sweet Delight (1980)

Having an obsessive compulsion probably sucks most of the time, but when the bathtub is scrubbed crazy clean, the rough skin on your foot has been picked off with laser precision, and you are the confident person in the world that your oven knobs are all in the 'off' position, it might feel kind-of OCD-elightful for a fleeting moment.

Central Line- Time For Some Fun (1984)

I wish that the ad execs would just quit trying to make Diet Coke seem like it's a whole lot of fun, when everyone knows it's for diabetics and chubby senior high school students trying to fit into their prom dress.

The Jones Girls- You Gonna Make Me LOve Somebody Else (1979)

I like to think that my life mimics HBO's 'Girls', except with 84% less white privilege, 800% less whining, and 40% less ass-misshaping rompers.

Superior Movement- Be My Cinderella (1982)

Cinderella had it all wrong. If you have a fairy godmother and a bunch of slave-mice at your disposal, you should not be asking for a pumpkin carriage to take you to a ball to find a prince to marry while your stepsisters look on with jealousy. Instead, you should be asking for a shiny red corvette to take you to THE Prince's house to fuck while 'Erotic City' plays in the background and Sheila E looks on, waiting to get tagged in.

The Walkers- Sky's The Limit (1983)

Do you think that astronauts feel super cocky when they hear the term "sky's the limit"? Like, maybe for you dickwads.

Aretha Franklin- Jump To It (Extended Version) (1982)

I always said to myself: I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, but then they invented the Luther Burger, and it was all too late.
I better jump to it, and fast, if I want to meet Aretha Franklin, in case someone invents an 'Aretha Burger' and things get out of hand. 

Kenny James - Can't Keep Holding On (1984)

You can't hold onto every single one of your childhood ideals for life (because ultimately, that makes you sort-of autistic), but if you're going to keep one hope alive, make sure it's the one where you have a slurpee machine in your kitchen, because that shit would be so. fucking. dope.

Skyy- Here's To You (1980)

We applaud firefighters and police officers for the tough job they do every day, but in my opinion, the real heroes are the guys that use planes to write messages in the sky, who tirelessly resist the temptation to stop in the middle of a beautiful engagement message to write really bitchy, derogatory comments about their ex.

DD Sound- Wake Up In The Night (1982)

When I realized that my neighbours beside me, and my neighbours above me, were gone for the week, I felt like a Christmas-time Kevin McAllister when he realized that he no longer had a bunch of dicks in his house trying to tell him what to do.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if I wake up in the night and couple of bumbling burglars have broken into my place, though. My skills in constructing wacky traps are mediocre at best.

Cliff Dawson- Can't Get Enough (2014)

I'm going to pull a Cliff Dawson, and start up a blog of even SASSIER tunes when I turn 70.