Larry Wu- Let Me Show You (1984)

I don't know why it feels so important to buy a t-shirt at rap shows. I guess I have to be ready in case someday Method Man shows up at my house and makes me prove my fandom by way of an ill-fitting 50/50 poly-cotton garment with a Wu-Tang logo that I bought in the back of a bar. 

Junior- Not Tonight (1985)

My neighbour heard me rapping, and now has some questions about it, so I've been actively dodging him. We've been in this strange song and dance for a few weeks, and every time he asks if I want to come over for a beer, I just make some excuse about why tonight's not good. Little does he know, through the walls, I have heard far too much about his fantasy football league, and I have a few questions of my own that I'm trying to avoid. 

Aretha Franklin- Get It Right (1983)

The five-legged spider in my bathtub stared back at me. As the wad of anti-bacterial Kleenex squeezed the last of life out of his spindly body, I wondered why it took, obviously, four full human attempts to get it right. We are failing miserably in the fight against arachnids, people.

Cat Miller- Ready Or Not (1984)

When a boy says he likes it when girls don't wear too much makeup, what he really means is that he wants you to look hot when you wake up, and does not want to ever have to wait for you to get ready.

Evelyn Champagne King- Stop That (1982)

Why is it that when Joaquin Phoenix stages a fake rap career he is "an artist" and "brilliant" and "doing it for a movie", but when I do it, I'm "weird" and "unstable" and "should stop that"?