Curiosity- The Jets (1985)

On Friday after work, I followed a trail of blood on the sidewalk for about half a block. Little drips of blood, one in a row. At the end of the trail was a gallon jug of 'Muscle Pharm'-brand protein powder, and an open tube of KY Jelly. I tried to forget about it over the weekend, but it's Monday, and my curiosity still has the best of me. I still have so many questions. Nameley, where is this supposed 'Muscle Pharm'? Do they have sheep with really ripped abs, and chickens that could claw your face off?
Also, why is bodybuilding so popular? Bunch'a oily dudes drinking powdered shakes and posing in front of non-oily dudes, and apparently, the lube and blood fit in there somewhere too.

The Crusaders- Street Life (1979)

Although I firmly believe that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, I do not feel that I am cut out for the street life. Day in and day out, while at work, I observe street people in their natural environment, and I have been able to discern that there are two main reasons for my hesitance on this matter: (1) my monthly eyeliner budget, and (2) I would be apt to complain at the soup kitchens that "soup is not exactly a meal". Also, the rats.

Gary Brown & The GB Experience- The Crown (1983)

You know, I bet it's tough for extraterrestrials, while looking down to planet earth with their giant alien telescopes, to watch all of the chicks at bachelorette parties wearing crowns made of little fake plastic dicks and guys wearing woolen toques with tank tops on the hottest days of summer, and still believe that we are the ones worried about being invaded by them.

Shalamar- Games (1987)

I guess the kind of games I like the most are the ones that make me look smart (Scrabble Junior), ones that sound delicious (Candyland), and ones that win me small amounts of pocket change (slot machines). The games I enjoy the least are ones that point out my irresponsibility with finances (Monopoly), ones that surround you with old people (Bingo), and every other game beyond Scrabble Junior, Candyland, and slot machines.
You know what? Scratch that. Did you guys ever play Mall Madness? That game is pretty fun, too.

Pleasure- Give It Up (1982)

When I was very young, I was sure that there was a tiny old man in the traffic lights, and if you hit the button a few extra times, you could trick him into changing the walk-sign a bit quicker. Nowadays, I am fully aware that these lights are run on timers and computers by the city. That's why I always feel a little sorry when I see someone standing at a crosswalk reaming away on the button... It's like, give it up, man; that little old dude retired way back in the 80's.

Taana Gardner- No Frills (Larry Levan Club Mix) (1981)

I am 100% certain that the 30% you save whilst shopping in those big-box, no-frills type grocery stores is made up for by a 70% increase in rat piss in the products you buy. An informed shopper is always a savvy shopper.

DeBarge- Can't Stop (1982)

100% of my childhood romantic fantasies involved El DeBarge standing outside of my bedroom window blaring 'All This Love' on a boombox held above his head, 'Say Anything'-style. What I didn't factor in was the part where he brings along several bags of crack and a prostitute, and wants to crash on the couch for a "few days".

Spence- Get It On (1983)

Parents will name their new son 'Spencer' in the hopes that he will become a successful, well-liked businessman. What they don't bank on is the true fact that, whether in it's pure form or shortened to 'Spence', the name 'Spencer' almost always leads to a fate of becoming an annoying (typically ginger) pompous asshole of a man. It's inevitable. Do your kids a favor and stick with the classics, such as 'Michael', 'Randy', or 'Tito' to ensure future prosperity.

Milton Smith and Stimulus- I Wanna Get Next To You (1985)

If you see me sidling up next to a stranger, you can be sure it's for one of two reasons:
(1) I'm trying to decipher the stains their sweatpants, or (2) I'm checking to see if they're shorter than me.

Shock- Got To Have Your Love (1981)

They say that the modern world has become a pretty unfazable place. However, I there's probably still a good amount of shock value, both morally and hygienically, in the average basement apartment of the lonely tech guy at work.