Ike Turner Ft. Tina Turner and Home Grown Funk- Party Vibes (1980)

They say that your priorities change as you grow up, and it's kind-of true. Like, instead of worrying about drinking and partying every single Friday, my grown brain is mostly just concerned with getting my damn pants off and watching Stevie J raw-dog chicks on Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta.

Yvonne Gage- Garden Of Eve (1981)

The Garden of Eden was doomed to fail. You can't put two naked adults in a segregated area, and expect that they won't start looking at each other's hoo-hoos out of sheer boredom. Like, I spend twenty minutes alone in my apartment, and I'm channel-surfing to see which program is currently showing the most cleve'.

Pleasure- Sending My Love (1982)

Being in super, ultra, crazy love has been amazing for most things in my life, but my Netflix "to watch" list is currently staring at me like "What the fuck? We had a good thing going for a while. I have needs, too. You were my world, girl".

The Spinners- Right Or Wrong (1984)

World hunger and violence are a day-to-day reality, but seeing one of those hardcore outdoorsy dudes smugly riding a unicycle to work in a snowstorm really makes me wonder where the fuck we went wrong as a society.

Evelyn 'Champagne' King- Sweet Delight (1980)

Having an obsessive compulsion probably sucks most of the time, but when the bathtub is scrubbed crazy clean, the rough skin on your foot has been picked off with laser precision, and you are the confident person in the world that your oven knobs are all in the 'off' position, it might feel kind-of OCD-elightful for a fleeting moment.

Central Line- Time For Some Fun (1984)

I wish that the ad execs would just quit trying to make Diet Coke seem like it's a whole lot of fun, when everyone knows it's for diabetics and chubby senior high school students trying to fit into their prom dress.

The Jones Girls- You Gonna Make Me LOve Somebody Else (1979)

I like to think that my life mimics HBO's 'Girls', except with 84% less white privilege, 800% less whining, and 40% less ass-misshaping rompers.

Superior Movement- Be My Cinderella (1982)

Cinderella had it all wrong. If you have a fairy godmother and a bunch of slave-mice at your disposal, you should not be asking for a pumpkin carriage to take you to a ball to find a prince to marry while your stepsisters look on with jealousy. Instead, you should be asking for a shiny red corvette to take you to THE Prince's house to fuck while 'Erotic City' plays in the background and Sheila E looks on, waiting to get tagged in.

The Walkers- Sky's The Limit (1983)

Do you think that astronauts feel super cocky when they hear the term "sky's the limit"? Like, maybe for you dickwads.

Aretha Franklin- Jump To It (Extended Version) (1982)

I always said to myself: I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, I'm going to meet Luther Vandross one day, but then they invented the Luther Burger, and it was all too late.
I better jump to it, and fast, if I want to meet Aretha Franklin, in case someone invents an 'Aretha Burger' and things get out of hand.