Spence- Get It On (1983)

Parents will name their new son 'Spencer' in the hopes that he will become a successful, well-liked businessman. What they don't bank on is the true fact that, whether in it's pure form or shortened to 'Spence', the name 'Spencer' almost always leads to a fate of becoming an annoying (typically ginger) pompous asshole of a man. It's inevitable. Do your kids a favor and stick with the classics, such as 'Michael', 'Randy', or 'Tito' to ensure future prosperity.

Milton Smith and Stimulus- I Wanna Get Next To You (1985)

If you see me sidling up next to a stranger, you can be sure it's for one of two reasons:
(1) I'm trying to decipher the stains their sweatpants, or (2) I'm checking to see if they're shorter than me.

Shock- Got To Have Your Love (1981)

They say that the modern world has become a pretty unfazable place. However, I there's probably still a good amount of shock value, both morally and hygienically, in the average basement apartment of the lonely tech guy at work.

Midnight Star- Night Rider (1984)

At first glance, it would seem that owning a talking car like KITT from Knight Rider would be a dream come true. However, at some point he would probably start getting really preachy about global warming, or join the Pentecostal church, or start practising his stand-up comedy act in gridlocked rush hour traffic, and you'd find yourself staring at the Toyota Yaris commercial and thinking: "A car with incredible gas mileage that also knows how to keep his loud-mouthed opinions to himself? Now that's a dream come true".

Evelyn 'Champagne' King- Talking In My Sleep (1984)

I think that when someone starts to talk in their sleep, you are allowed to ask them the things you really want to know, like which Wayans brother is really their favorite, how many times they've lied about their age to get into teen night at the wave pool, and where they have left their unattended wallet.

Shannon- Do You Want To Get Away (1985)

Hell yeah I want to get away, ideally to somewhere where people understand the true social faux pas of Charlie Sheen jokes.

Colors- Pay Me Back My Love (1986)

It's inevitable: when a relationship ends, somebody has to get the short end of the stick. It's common to feel as if someone "owes" you for inflicting long-term emotional damages. However, it is near to impossible to pay someone back in love, and very tough to assign a monetary value to the end of a long-term partnership (just ask your average divorce lawyer!).
To properly handle the situation, the dumper should be forced to buy several therapy sessions, as well as a month's worth of Ativan, to the dumpee on the eve of the breakup. It is my understanding that all further grievances should be rectified using the "ass, grass, or gas" payment structure.

Timex Social Club- Rumors (1986) & Club Nouveau- Jealousy (1986)

Are my ears correct? Did Club Nouveau really write a diss song about Timex Social Club? This is not South Central LA in the early 90's... What did you guys have to fight about?
Was somebody bogarting the Soul-Glo? Did someone play the whole "shake a can of soda and hand it to your thirsty friend" joke? Did someone make fun of your Coogi sweater?
Come on, fellas... We're all fruity 80's R&B one-hit-wonders here, can't we all just get along?

Magic Eye- Don't Panic (1988)

Don't panic? Don't panic?
Uhhh... Directly across the ocean from us, a country, arguably the most industrious and technologically advanced in the world, just collapsed into itself, and is brewing several massive nuclear meltdowns at this very moment. How long until Godzilla gets involved in all of this?
I currently reserve the right to be a little unnerved.
Pffft. Don't panic.

Princess- Say I'm Your Number One (1985)

Princess uses this video as a means to send a giant "fuck you" to those of us that think that crop-tops and old-timey bowler hats should never mix, and throws on a pair of wacky earrings to really drive the point home. Number one, alright.