Leon Bryant - I'm Going To Put A Spell On You (1984)

If I was given the rare opportunity to learn a magical spell, I think I would choose one that makes people shut their damn mouths.

Jakki- Got Me Burnin Up (1982)

Nothing sadder than a saggy cartoon Latino ice cream salesman that appears to be having a bad day... Stay in school, kids.
(Or at least try to smile when you hand me my popsicle, okay? You're bumming me out over here.)

The Bar Kays- Trippin' Out (1982)

I strongly feel that, at a very early age, children should be forced to make a very difficult decision: the ability to invent and create, or the ability to take psychedelics. Not both.
I'm sure I could've lived through Jefferson Airplane and hippie paintings. I could hang with Rainbow Bright, and Fruity Marshmallow Krispies were a colorful way to start my day. I could even handle motherfucking Zubaz pants in small doses, but then came hackey sacks and now there's assholes with ponytails flipping around some acid head's dream of a "magic ball" around his arms like it's no big thing (I saw it on an infomercial!).
Enough is enough. Before it goes too far. Please, people.
One or the other.

Hotline- Ready or Not (1984)

I will tell you: we, as a society, have come so far technologically that it's almost cute to think of people using desktop calculators or dialing a hotline for their pornography needs.

Kenny Smith- Witness (1980)

After a particularly bad cold and flu season a few years ago, wherein I had watched The Sopranos series in it's entirety, I swear I will never, ever say a damn thing if I witness a crime...
Can't write sassytunes from the bottom of the Bow River with an ice pick through my skull.
No siree.

Yarbrough & Peoples- Don't Stop The Music (1980)

There's always this point in the night- somewhere between 2:15 and 3:00, depending on where you go- where the music starts to get really amazing again, and the legal drinks stop flowing and the strange free-handout drinks appear in your palm (usually import beer from one of the "sketchy countries"), and you stay on the dance floor in fear of the last few notes playing over the speakers. Then the lights come up and there's puke and blood on the floor, a bunch of broken glass, the air reeks of cheap tequila and red bull, and your blistered feet stick on the ground as you walk. This is a feeling universally known as "time to go home".

Melba Moore- Mind Up Tonight (1982)

Yo, I love a piece of Melba toast as much as the next guy, but you know that shit is just old bread, right?

Sheila E- The Glamorous Life (1985)

It took me a long time to realize that the true "glamour" of Sheila E had less and less to do with glitter headbands and unapologetic spandex and more and more to do with banging Prince.

Prestige- Cheating (1983)

I'll admit, it would be horrible to have a cheating boyfriend, but at least I'd finally get the chance to ask Joey Greco what brand of hair gel he has been using all these years.

Prince- Lady Cab Driver (1982)

For all of the cabs I've ever hopped into, I've never had a female cab driver, but I'm willing to bet there would be a bare minimum 150% improvement on the smell.