Sade- Smooth Operator (1984)

The other night, I found myself drifting off while thinking about my future. More specifically, hoping and praying that there is a chance in hell that, one day, in my maturity, I might age as well as Sade.
Coming back down to earth, reality hit me hard. I'm not one to crush my own hoop dreams, but a long-term goal of eventually ending up as a statuesque black woman (complete with a voice made of pure silk) might be reaching a tad too far.

p.s. I love, love, love this video. They just don't make 'em like they used to.

A Taste Of Honey- Do It Good (1979)

Man, oh, man.
Good funk and disco usually flows so nicely with a glass of wine or a fancy mixed drink. I'm totally gay for a fine cocktail, you know.
...But so rarely do you hear a disco song like this, that would benefit best from a pairing with grape soda and cough syrup from a 2-Litre bottle.

p.s. I love this era of disco, when things got a little weird. By 1979, disco was bound to sound a little sloppy and tired and strung-out; most of the industry had been snorting angel dust for four straight years, and it was time for a well-deserved rest.

Kashif- Lover Turn Me On (1983)

You may have been able to guess, but I once went through a pretty heavy Kashif phase.
You know, catalogued areas in my I-Tunes, memorizing lyrics, researching album covers.
I know, I know... Sounds like a bit of a waste of time, but come on. It was not all in vain. The dude made songs with Sassy Tunes faves Evelyn 'Champagne' King, Whitney Houston, and Melba Moore, and knows how to play a fucking miniMoog.
Also, black guys with moustaches...
Just try to rip a white bitch away.
That shit is classssssy.

Rainy Davis- Sweetheart (1986)

If I weren't so busy trying to stand upright and stop shitting in my pants in 1986, I imagine this would've been my jaaaaam.

The Whispers- Emergency (1981)

The longer I work with children, the more I think that many outsmart the people that spawned them.
A young boy of maybe six years old was sitting next to his mother on the benches at work the other day. The boy got up from his seat and turned to his mother. "Mom," he said calmly, "I need to use the washroom, okay?"
His mom looked at him with a panicked concern. "You mean you have to potty? Is it an emergency????"
Before the boy had a chance to answer, his mom had picked him up and was running as fast as she could toward the bathroom. A stern little voice cried out from within her arms. "No, mom, it is not an emergency".
She stopped in her tracks and placed the boy back onto the ground. He brushed himself off, rolled his eyes, and slowly strolled the rest of the way, the front of his pants as dry as the desert. He really took it all in stride, but something tells me that kid has a calender under his bed that counts down to his eighteenth birthday.

Shalamar- Take That To The Bank (1978)

You can really take almost anything to the bank with you, but, no matter how good your intentions may be, you risk your relationship with your bank teller if you even think of walking in there toting a sack with a dollar sign on it. Even if you are doing it in a "just-joking" kind of way, you're just messing up their entire bank-robber-profiling system. Also, even if it's really cold outside, do those guys a favor and leave your balaclava at home.

Marcus Miller- My Best Friend's Girlfriend (1984)

I don't think it's ever a good idea to date your best friend's girlfriend, because she's probably a huge bitch.

Shannon- Sweet Somebody (1984)

I've never understood why people use the word 'sweet' to describe other people, when human flesh tastes so distinctly salty.

Power Station- Some Like It Hot (1984)

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover, but I think it's okay to judge a song by how much hairspray the average person would be wearing when the song was released.

When Jethro Tull dropped a new joint, people would sit in circles, cross-legged on the filthy floor, listening to the music pour out of the dusty record player. Their long, unwashed locks would sway in time with the songs, while incense burned to keep the hippie smell at bay.
Nobody puts on a fucking Jethro Tull CD at a party nowadays.
By the time Power Station had released 'Some Like It Hot', people were sashaying their spandexed asses through a laser-lit club to dance on the speakers. They usually had an eight-ball and a pack of Juicy Fruit in their pocket, and an entire can of Aqua Net in their hair. Those bangs were going nowhere , and this track is still perfect.

I don't want to over-generalize, but as a rule, the stiffer the hair, the stronger the track. I can't figure out what causes this phenomenon, but it probably has something to do with aerosol spray cans and the ozone layer.

Norma Jean Wright- Love Attack (1983)

I do believe that the term 'love attack' is just a flowery, sugar-coated way of saying 'rape'.